I have to say the amount of input I've had from the clinic in Bedford since my diagnosis has been a pleasant surprise. I guess I was expecting to just get sent off with my new "label" and have to get on with it.
I credit a lot of that to my autism nurse who seems to go out of his way to listen to my moans, answer all my odd questions and make me feel I'm not really a bad person, I'm just a person with autism.
I wish I could keep him at home as a constant source of support but I'm sure he needs the break by the time he leaves lol.
I have been on tablets for my stress (my nurse calls it anxiety) for about 5 weeks now and the side effects are not as bad as they were. Initially I was incredibly tired and felt like I had a permanent hangover. It made it hard to carry on as normal as my head was so fuzzy I just couldn't concentrate.
I don't feel much less anxious yet but I have noticed I have been a little calmer with Freya's outbursts and I have had moments of messing about being silly like I used to at home.
I have had weekly home visits from my nurse to put in place a treatment plan and help understand some of the queries I've had. We are both big talkers and usually end up going off at a tangent about something autism related. It has been very helpful to have someone to talk to about things that have happened at home since the diagnosis as I always feel very isolated.
The biggest challenge has been my husbands reaction to the diagnosis. He encouraged me to go through the process and was there at my appointment to support me and help explain my difficulties.
I thought that things would be easier for him now he knows why I do the things I do that drive him mad and leave him dumbfounded but in fact he has been much more critical of me than ever before and has makes daily comments about leaving me.
My nurse has tried to explain to me that he is stressed too but I can't get my head around it. To me I'm the same person I've always been but it seems like now he realises he can't change me he doesn't want me anymore.
I find it hard to justify this as he is disabled and comes with his own set of challenges for me.
I know that he finds my lack of empathy the hardest thing to cope with, he tells me every day that all I care about is myself and I just keep stating that I don't mean to be that way but I can only see how things affect me, I don't know how things affect other people and even when I ask, people are rarely honest in their replies which is greatly unhelpful to an autistic person.
My nurse has recommended me for cbt with a psychotherapist as he said I put u a lot of barriers which prevent me from bringing down my stress levels. I've always said I was my own worst enemy!
I was very sceptical as I've had councillers in the past and not found it helpful but then they didn't know I had aspergers so I'm hoping this time will be different. Our first meeting went ok and she explained we would spend the first few weeks picking apart where I am in my life at the moment and how I got there. I'm really looking forward to that as it's important to me to work out what things are from the aspergers, what is from my past experiences and upbringing and what is just me if anything!
From there we can look at what I would like to work on if anything.
I have felt like since my diagnosis everyone has just been trying to change me, to make me more "normal" with the pills and the analysing everything but I was pleased to hear her say she wasn't there to try and change me just to help me make sense of things.
I was unusually rational and decided that what I want to achieve from the sessions is to work out the bits above about who I am and to feel like it's ok to be myself, warts and all.
I don't want to change, I would like to be less stressed and for others to be more understanding of my difficulties and I feel the 2 things go hand in hand. Until I can be accepted for me I don't think my stress levels will come down as I feel constantly frustrated and misunderstood.
My nurse gave me a sensory checklist for Freya which I completed for myself as well and was amazed how many of my struggles are down to sensory issues. I've always known I don't like noise but I hadn't realised my tolerance levels were so low until my husband pointed it out, he says I'm like a killer bee :/
Through talking to my nurse and rabbiting on about the things I find relaxing he has pointed out to me that they are all low input things, ie: watching wind turbines, watching the washing machine, sitting out in a kayak on the sea with no one else around. I had done a picture years ago during my degree showing me on the sea on my kayak and I had put a thought bubble above me saying "out here I'm free" it's so strange now, all the signs were there but I didn't know. I really can only feel relaxed in complete quiet with no stimulation or natural noises like water, quiet birds etc.
We are going to try and find ways to achieve this without having to drive to the coast with a kayak or install a wind turbine in the garden. As a first step I have bought myself a pair of ear defenders which look quite ridiculous but made lucas's screaming before bed so much more bearable :)
I am great at telling others that you have to look after yourself to be able to look after kids but I'm not much good at following my own advice.
I tried to express my feelings to my nurse by explaining I was still wearing my maternity pants as I felt selfish buying new underwear, I'm larger than I was before Lucas so can't wear my old ones :( he looked highly embarrassed but just laughed at me and suggested I put them on my christmas list for Mike at which point I went into a rant about how men only buy pants I may have worn at 21 but these days I'd like something comfortable not a few bits of lace strung together pretending to be big enough to cover your bits! He was roaring with laughter by this point but I was just stating a fact, I didn't think till I'd left that it probably wasn't the most appropriate converstaion to have with a male nurse but then he's used to autistic people and has probably heard worse! :)
January will bring the start of my involvement with research at Cambridge university and I am really looking forward to that but for now it's my birthday today and I am going to the Harry potter studios later and am super excited about it because I'm such a huge fan of the books and films and I'm just a giant kid still :)
Happy christmas to all my readers lets hope we all survive the maddness :)
Sunday 22 December 2013
Monday 16 December 2013
Freya update.....
I haven't been able to keep up the blogging much recently after starting my meds as I have felt not at all like myself, so thought I'd do a quick update.
Here is a photo of Freya going off to her nursery christmas party this evening, she looks very grown up and a little apprehensive and very beautiful but of course I'm biased!
She was very unsure when we got to nursery as she was expecting me to leave as I usually do and there was an awful lot of people with the parents and kids there. She slowly edged her way off my knee but couldn't settle to watch the magician with the other kids finding safety with her key worker. She was quite happy to go off for food though not surprisingly! She waited for a balloon animal at the end and was give a red one as requested before paying a nervous visit to santa.
She had visited santa a few days ago at the shopping centre which I was very nervous about as we had been advised it usually wasn't a good idea for autistic kids. However it had been Freya's choice, she wanted to see him and I had explained he was a big man in his red suit and she was keen to go in. She does look slightly terrified in the photo but she was quite happy to tell him she wanted a blue scooter for christmas, he thought she said computer so I now have to buy a blue scooter and a computer! Luckily I had picked up a v-tech laptop in the charity shop last month and put it away :)
Since my last blog we have had several visits to the carrot shop as Freya calls it (ikea) she loves trying out the beds, climbing in the kitchen cupboards, playing in the kids rooms etc
We have seen a few movies at the autism friendly screenings with varying success, we saw Frozen yesterday and she was better behaved than last time as there weren't any other kids running around this time. She loved Turbo as it made her think of her snail helper :)
There's been some cycling....
Some exercising.......
Some dressing up.........
and many many rides.....
I am still awaiting the piece of paper with her ASD diagnosis in black & white but have found talking to my own autism nurse very helpful. He provided me with a sensory list to check for Freya and I couldn't believe how many she had. I also used it for myself and was even more surprised how many I had! I have enquired about a private sensory assessment for her and hope this will help me understand how to help her. She seems to be under sensitive to most things and that explains why she is always on the move, she's constantly seeking out the sensory stimulation she needs.
New things we have noticed in the last few months have been a definate decline in her motor skills, she was always a good climber even though her movements were stiff but she has become very clumsy now and usually falls if climbing. I can guarantee at least 2 injury slips from nursery from her 3 days in, one day I had 3 in one day!
She has started making a weird noise more and more often, it's like a one tone groaning and she does it either on and off or for about 5 mins non stop. I can't see a definate pattern with it but she does do it when Lucas is getting attention, when she's been told off and at times of higher anxiety ie: when we're out in town.
In the last few days she has started rejecting anything to eat if it's broken, this can be hard if you've bought chocolate and it's got squashed in the bag so all the bars are broken and especially first thing in the morning when she's sat removing all the broken cheerios from her bowl before you can put the milk in :(
Although the tantrums seem less frequent she has become much more aggressive, Mike and I are now regularly getting hit along with lucas who gets kicked, pushed and hit on a half hourly basis.
On the up side she has started to interact with some of the kids at nursery, still playing her usual games with her rules, but it's progress.
The other day I saw her pretend she had a phone with something that was totally unlike a phone.
She is listening a little bit more when I say no as long as I explain she can have it later etc or offer an acceptable alternative.
Her play therapy has gone so well she doesn't need such regular visits, not exactly a reward for her!
During the last session her nursery nurse showed her a lego farm picture briefly and she had recreated it from memory in about 2 mins with fairly impressive accuracy.
She is very excited about christmas and seems to be understanding the countdown, she loves looking for the numbers on her advent in the morning and she can count backwards so seems to understand it's less sleeps left each day. She is very clear what santa is bringing and god help us all if he doesn't get it right!
I will be updating the blog with my own treatment progress in the next few days for those who are interested :)
Here is a photo of Freya going off to her nursery christmas party this evening, she looks very grown up and a little apprehensive and very beautiful but of course I'm biased!
She was very unsure when we got to nursery as she was expecting me to leave as I usually do and there was an awful lot of people with the parents and kids there. She slowly edged her way off my knee but couldn't settle to watch the magician with the other kids finding safety with her key worker. She was quite happy to go off for food though not surprisingly! She waited for a balloon animal at the end and was give a red one as requested before paying a nervous visit to santa.
She had visited santa a few days ago at the shopping centre which I was very nervous about as we had been advised it usually wasn't a good idea for autistic kids. However it had been Freya's choice, she wanted to see him and I had explained he was a big man in his red suit and she was keen to go in. She does look slightly terrified in the photo but she was quite happy to tell him she wanted a blue scooter for christmas, he thought she said computer so I now have to buy a blue scooter and a computer! Luckily I had picked up a v-tech laptop in the charity shop last month and put it away :)
Since my last blog we have had several visits to the carrot shop as Freya calls it (ikea) she loves trying out the beds, climbing in the kitchen cupboards, playing in the kids rooms etc
We have seen a few movies at the autism friendly screenings with varying success, we saw Frozen yesterday and she was better behaved than last time as there weren't any other kids running around this time. She loved Turbo as it made her think of her snail helper :)
There's been some cycling....
Some exercising.......
Some dressing up.........
and many many rides.....
I am still awaiting the piece of paper with her ASD diagnosis in black & white but have found talking to my own autism nurse very helpful. He provided me with a sensory list to check for Freya and I couldn't believe how many she had. I also used it for myself and was even more surprised how many I had! I have enquired about a private sensory assessment for her and hope this will help me understand how to help her. She seems to be under sensitive to most things and that explains why she is always on the move, she's constantly seeking out the sensory stimulation she needs.
New things we have noticed in the last few months have been a definate decline in her motor skills, she was always a good climber even though her movements were stiff but she has become very clumsy now and usually falls if climbing. I can guarantee at least 2 injury slips from nursery from her 3 days in, one day I had 3 in one day!
She has started making a weird noise more and more often, it's like a one tone groaning and she does it either on and off or for about 5 mins non stop. I can't see a definate pattern with it but she does do it when Lucas is getting attention, when she's been told off and at times of higher anxiety ie: when we're out in town.
In the last few days she has started rejecting anything to eat if it's broken, this can be hard if you've bought chocolate and it's got squashed in the bag so all the bars are broken and especially first thing in the morning when she's sat removing all the broken cheerios from her bowl before you can put the milk in :(
Although the tantrums seem less frequent she has become much more aggressive, Mike and I are now regularly getting hit along with lucas who gets kicked, pushed and hit on a half hourly basis.
On the up side she has started to interact with some of the kids at nursery, still playing her usual games with her rules, but it's progress.
The other day I saw her pretend she had a phone with something that was totally unlike a phone.
She is listening a little bit more when I say no as long as I explain she can have it later etc or offer an acceptable alternative.
Her play therapy has gone so well she doesn't need such regular visits, not exactly a reward for her!
During the last session her nursery nurse showed her a lego farm picture briefly and she had recreated it from memory in about 2 mins with fairly impressive accuracy.
She is very excited about christmas and seems to be understanding the countdown, she loves looking for the numbers on her advent in the morning and she can count backwards so seems to understand it's less sleeps left each day. She is very clear what santa is bringing and god help us all if he doesn't get it right!
I will be updating the blog with my own treatment progress in the next few days for those who are interested :)
Sunday 10 November 2013
Babies sleep 12 hours a night & other fairy tales....
Anyone reading my blog regularly will have noticed by now I have a real bee in my bonet about the constant expectations being thrust at mothers making the experience of bringing up kids feel less an enjoyable adventure and more of an unacheivable assignment.
It's worth noting it's not all media based, other mothers can be the worst culprits.
The headline statement was spouted at me by my own mother last week when she was here as a "helpful" reply to my complaining about how tired I was.
My mum watches a lot of tv and likes to fill me in when she visits on what the latest advice has been this week on all kind of subjects.
She generally starts with "well you don't watch tv but..." or "if you watched the tv you'd know...."
Let me just say I do watch tv but I just don't share her passion for soaps, the news, any program where the police are showing us what a delightful country we live in, anything with people with bones sticking out bleeding or any kind of talk programme. I find them all depressing and stressful.
So mum had seen a thing that stated that babies should be sleeping for 12 hours a night?! My response was "which babies are these??", "all babies she replied, it said so on the tv".
Clearly no one has told Lucas this, maybe he missed the sleeping orientation because he was busy checking out a door or set of wheels or smiling at some girl baby waiting to be born.
Lucas sports many no nos when it comes to bedtime and we could no doubt do a whole talk show just on his faults.
He won't be put down unless he's asleep, he spent months crying just to get in my bed and then was happy to go to sleep, he was still waking for a feed at 6 months and he usually finally collapses about 9pm and gets up at 5am with at least 2 visits from me during the night to replace his dummy or come and sleep with me.
Yes I'd love a whole nights sleep, I can't remember if I've ever had one now. Before Lucas was born Freya was still getting up every night and either getting in bed with me or wandering about or crying.
I can't complain about bedtime with Freya too much as she has always just taken herself off to bed when she's tired and on the whole she doesn't come back down. She does however still wake up in the night quite often and because of her inability to identify danger I still have to get up and return her to bed and check she hasn't tried to smother Lucas. (yes she's tried before fortunately we were in the room at the time.)
This reminds me of another good fairytale told by another mum was when Lucas was 6 weeks old, after asking how old he was and if he was sleeping through she announced, "well you've only got another 2 weeks till he sleeps through then"!! I'm not often left speechless and I don't think fast enough to have worked out at the time why she would have said such a thing.
When I thought about it afterwards I realised that both her children must have started sleeping through at 8 weeks so she, quite logically, thought that's what all babies did.
I seem to have taken turns with one placid baby, one screaming non sleeping bundle etc so by the time I'd had my second I was only too aware how different 2 babies can be.
I'm not even going to buy that it's the parenting style or experience, patience whatever as it is very clear looking back that my children began to express their personalities from the minute they emerged into the world. My 16 year old screamed non stop and would only sleep if I was carrying her, at 5 she was still awake at 10.30pm and now she stays up till 4 or 5am!
I was reading the other day that it has been noticed that autistic children scream more as babies. As I say I take all this information with a pinch of salt as I just don't believe you can generalise anything like that. Yes Freya screamed a lot when she was born, the woman in the bed next to me asked to be moved! And the other 2 who screamed a lot are the 2 with challenging personality issues, I have no idea if they are autistic too but it seems to me it just highlights the kids with more to say for themselves, they seem to be letting you know, "I have additional needs, don't neglect me"
I find the "they shouldn't be doing that" comments equally as annoying as the "they should be doing this" comments, like the recent speech therapists comment that there's nothing unusual about a 3 year old not being able to string sentences together properly and lots of kids add "jargon" aka nonsense into their talking.
Maybe it's just because I have a need for people to be specific but if what they mean is it's not unheard of then that's what they should say, not speak to me in a condescending manner assuming this is my first child and I have no idea what I'm talking about!
Obviously I was a first time mum once and it's the memory of things that were said to me and how I was treated then which make me want to stand up and yell "all mums are different and all kids are different, if we ask for advice please help, if not please let us get on with making our own mistakes and parenting in the way that works best for us!"
It's worth noting it's not all media based, other mothers can be the worst culprits.
The headline statement was spouted at me by my own mother last week when she was here as a "helpful" reply to my complaining about how tired I was.
My mum watches a lot of tv and likes to fill me in when she visits on what the latest advice has been this week on all kind of subjects.
She generally starts with "well you don't watch tv but..." or "if you watched the tv you'd know...."
Let me just say I do watch tv but I just don't share her passion for soaps, the news, any program where the police are showing us what a delightful country we live in, anything with people with bones sticking out bleeding or any kind of talk programme. I find them all depressing and stressful.
So mum had seen a thing that stated that babies should be sleeping for 12 hours a night?! My response was "which babies are these??", "all babies she replied, it said so on the tv".
Clearly no one has told Lucas this, maybe he missed the sleeping orientation because he was busy checking out a door or set of wheels or smiling at some girl baby waiting to be born.
Lucas sports many no nos when it comes to bedtime and we could no doubt do a whole talk show just on his faults.
He won't be put down unless he's asleep, he spent months crying just to get in my bed and then was happy to go to sleep, he was still waking for a feed at 6 months and he usually finally collapses about 9pm and gets up at 5am with at least 2 visits from me during the night to replace his dummy or come and sleep with me.
Yes I'd love a whole nights sleep, I can't remember if I've ever had one now. Before Lucas was born Freya was still getting up every night and either getting in bed with me or wandering about or crying.
I can't complain about bedtime with Freya too much as she has always just taken herself off to bed when she's tired and on the whole she doesn't come back down. She does however still wake up in the night quite often and because of her inability to identify danger I still have to get up and return her to bed and check she hasn't tried to smother Lucas. (yes she's tried before fortunately we were in the room at the time.)
This reminds me of another good fairytale told by another mum was when Lucas was 6 weeks old, after asking how old he was and if he was sleeping through she announced, "well you've only got another 2 weeks till he sleeps through then"!! I'm not often left speechless and I don't think fast enough to have worked out at the time why she would have said such a thing.
When I thought about it afterwards I realised that both her children must have started sleeping through at 8 weeks so she, quite logically, thought that's what all babies did.
I seem to have taken turns with one placid baby, one screaming non sleeping bundle etc so by the time I'd had my second I was only too aware how different 2 babies can be.
I'm not even going to buy that it's the parenting style or experience, patience whatever as it is very clear looking back that my children began to express their personalities from the minute they emerged into the world. My 16 year old screamed non stop and would only sleep if I was carrying her, at 5 she was still awake at 10.30pm and now she stays up till 4 or 5am!
I was reading the other day that it has been noticed that autistic children scream more as babies. As I say I take all this information with a pinch of salt as I just don't believe you can generalise anything like that. Yes Freya screamed a lot when she was born, the woman in the bed next to me asked to be moved! And the other 2 who screamed a lot are the 2 with challenging personality issues, I have no idea if they are autistic too but it seems to me it just highlights the kids with more to say for themselves, they seem to be letting you know, "I have additional needs, don't neglect me"
I find the "they shouldn't be doing that" comments equally as annoying as the "they should be doing this" comments, like the recent speech therapists comment that there's nothing unusual about a 3 year old not being able to string sentences together properly and lots of kids add "jargon" aka nonsense into their talking.
Maybe it's just because I have a need for people to be specific but if what they mean is it's not unheard of then that's what they should say, not speak to me in a condescending manner assuming this is my first child and I have no idea what I'm talking about!
Obviously I was a first time mum once and it's the memory of things that were said to me and how I was treated then which make me want to stand up and yell "all mums are different and all kids are different, if we ask for advice please help, if not please let us get on with making our own mistakes and parenting in the way that works best for us!"
Tuesday 5 November 2013
Aspie dating?!
I discovered the other night that there are dating sites just for people with aspergers. After some general reading about the challenges faced by sufferers it seems proven that you are more likely to have a lasting relationship with someone else with aspergers than a non asd person.
I can see some logic in this, you are more likely to think the same way, maybe understand each others need for obsessive hobbies, but on the whole I don't see how it can work.
I've had many relationships and am aware that I need a laid back man to put up with me, I'm also aware that all of the relationships failed because I had no empathy with my partner. It was for different reasons, not being able to understand why he needed to go and and see his friends, why I wasn't as important as his kids etc
It was somewhat surprising therefore to read the profiles on one of these sites and see that nearly every one said they wanted a partner who could show them empathy?! Maybe they don't understand their own condition or they don't really want someone like them or they mean they just want to be understood.
I don't understand my autistic child any better than I do my non autistic children because they are all different to me, one of my daughters doesn't like noise either but when she moans about noise it annoys me as when I'm making the noise it's necessary and I expect it so it doesn't annoy me then the same as her video game noise doesn't annoy her but drives me nuts.
Surely it's better to have a non autistic partner who can see things from others point of view than one who can only see their own?
There was another article saying people with aspergers simply aren't up to the job of parenting which again made me think you need the balance for the kids too. My husband does the listening and caring side that I find hard and I do the practical and discipline side which he finds hard.
If you had 2 parents with aspergers who don't care about their child's interests then of course the child would feel unimportant, under valued and unloved.
Maybe these couples who strike up relationships from these all aspie sites don't have kids so they don't need to worry?
Speaking for myself I am extremely sensitive and while I'm aware I often voice my opinion without any thought of the other persons feelings I get very upset when people do the same to me. I know that I'm not being mean and I'm just being honest but when someone treats me the same way it feels mean :/
I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced an aspie-aspie relationship or anyone who thinks that you need the balance of dating someone not on the spectrum.
I can see some logic in this, you are more likely to think the same way, maybe understand each others need for obsessive hobbies, but on the whole I don't see how it can work.
I've had many relationships and am aware that I need a laid back man to put up with me, I'm also aware that all of the relationships failed because I had no empathy with my partner. It was for different reasons, not being able to understand why he needed to go and and see his friends, why I wasn't as important as his kids etc
It was somewhat surprising therefore to read the profiles on one of these sites and see that nearly every one said they wanted a partner who could show them empathy?! Maybe they don't understand their own condition or they don't really want someone like them or they mean they just want to be understood.
I don't understand my autistic child any better than I do my non autistic children because they are all different to me, one of my daughters doesn't like noise either but when she moans about noise it annoys me as when I'm making the noise it's necessary and I expect it so it doesn't annoy me then the same as her video game noise doesn't annoy her but drives me nuts.
Surely it's better to have a non autistic partner who can see things from others point of view than one who can only see their own?
There was another article saying people with aspergers simply aren't up to the job of parenting which again made me think you need the balance for the kids too. My husband does the listening and caring side that I find hard and I do the practical and discipline side which he finds hard.
If you had 2 parents with aspergers who don't care about their child's interests then of course the child would feel unimportant, under valued and unloved.
Maybe these couples who strike up relationships from these all aspie sites don't have kids so they don't need to worry?
Speaking for myself I am extremely sensitive and while I'm aware I often voice my opinion without any thought of the other persons feelings I get very upset when people do the same to me. I know that I'm not being mean and I'm just being honest but when someone treats me the same way it feels mean :/
I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced an aspie-aspie relationship or anyone who thinks that you need the balance of dating someone not on the spectrum.
Monday 28 October 2013
Y Spa Wyboston Lakes review
Mike and I went to Y Spa as our honeymoon night away, it was all we felt we could ask for given that my mum is 74 and Lucas and Freya are quite a handful without keeping an eye on the teenagers too!
My initial contact wasn't the best as my email to enquire about accessibility for Mike was never replied to and an internal email sent by reception for the reservation team to call me back to book us in was never responded to.
Despite this I decided to persevere as it did look lovely on the website and fond the staff answering the phones to be extremely helpful and knowledgeable.
We did the overnight hideaway on a Sunday evening for the very reasonable price of £69 each for accommodation, breakfast, lunch and dinner with a full days use of the spa facilities.
I can honestly say it's the first time I've relaxed in years and Mike commented he'd never seen me smile so much, just going to show if I could reduce my stress I would be a lot happier.
The stay was fantastic, we chose the day of the overnight to use the spa as I didn't think I'd relax if I knew I had to go back home later in the day. It was quite quiet and we pottered about enjoying the pool and steam rooms. We had 3 treatments booked in which was quite extravagant but we knew we wouldn't be getting the chance again.
We had a lovely joint appointment massage which was nice even though we weren't speaking as I didn't want to spend our honeymoon apart really. I've had a lot of massages over the years to try to ease the tension in my back and neck and I thought my therapist was very good indeed.
We then went for lunch in our robes which always feels a little weird, (I've only been to a spa once before I don't find it easy to spend time or money on myself), and the food was outstanding. It was a buffet style set up with a good choice of meats and veg/salad and puddings. We were stuffed after and didn't fancy jumping back in the pool so we headed for the quiet zone and I settled into a nice memory foam bed while Mike opted for the water bed.
We checked into our room at 3 and again were very pleased with the cleanliness and comfort.
Facials were next which I always neglect in favour of a massage but it was lovely and Mike commented I was glowing when I came back! OK he had a vested interest in being overly nice! After our facials we headed back into the spa for a few hours before dinner.
We got changed for dinner and headed off still not overly hungry after the lovely lunch earlier. The dinner was even better and we enjoyed a bit of people watching as well as the food :) dessert was included but I was so full I asked if I could take my back to the hotel room with me. I was told I could which turned out to be a smart move as room service of the same dessert involved a £5 service charge making for a very pricey slice of cheesecake!
The bed was big and very comfy and I enjoyed my first (and last) night of sleep since having Lucas!
We woke up to an equally impressive breakfast, Mike opting for the continental healthy stuff while I in true Yorkshire style went for the full English :)
We had our final treatment before we left which was a body scrub and steam followed by moisturiser and we went home feeling truly refreshed and spoilt :) I could not fault a thing about our stay. The staff were great, the food was fantastic, the spa and hotel were clean and the treatments and facilities were first rate.
So much did I enjoy it that we have come to an agreement that I will go to the spa one evening a month in an effort to try to de-stress. I would like to try another spa one day but for now I'm so happy at my closest one why change?!
Here's a few photos of us enjoying ourselves! :)
Disclaimer: All opinions expressed are my own, I was not asked to provide a review and did not receive anything for doing so.
My initial contact wasn't the best as my email to enquire about accessibility for Mike was never replied to and an internal email sent by reception for the reservation team to call me back to book us in was never responded to.
Despite this I decided to persevere as it did look lovely on the website and fond the staff answering the phones to be extremely helpful and knowledgeable.
We did the overnight hideaway on a Sunday evening for the very reasonable price of £69 each for accommodation, breakfast, lunch and dinner with a full days use of the spa facilities.
I can honestly say it's the first time I've relaxed in years and Mike commented he'd never seen me smile so much, just going to show if I could reduce my stress I would be a lot happier.
The stay was fantastic, we chose the day of the overnight to use the spa as I didn't think I'd relax if I knew I had to go back home later in the day. It was quite quiet and we pottered about enjoying the pool and steam rooms. We had 3 treatments booked in which was quite extravagant but we knew we wouldn't be getting the chance again.
We had a lovely joint appointment massage which was nice even though we weren't speaking as I didn't want to spend our honeymoon apart really. I've had a lot of massages over the years to try to ease the tension in my back and neck and I thought my therapist was very good indeed.
We then went for lunch in our robes which always feels a little weird, (I've only been to a spa once before I don't find it easy to spend time or money on myself), and the food was outstanding. It was a buffet style set up with a good choice of meats and veg/salad and puddings. We were stuffed after and didn't fancy jumping back in the pool so we headed for the quiet zone and I settled into a nice memory foam bed while Mike opted for the water bed.
We checked into our room at 3 and again were very pleased with the cleanliness and comfort.
Facials were next which I always neglect in favour of a massage but it was lovely and Mike commented I was glowing when I came back! OK he had a vested interest in being overly nice! After our facials we headed back into the spa for a few hours before dinner.
We got changed for dinner and headed off still not overly hungry after the lovely lunch earlier. The dinner was even better and we enjoyed a bit of people watching as well as the food :) dessert was included but I was so full I asked if I could take my back to the hotel room with me. I was told I could which turned out to be a smart move as room service of the same dessert involved a £5 service charge making for a very pricey slice of cheesecake!
The bed was big and very comfy and I enjoyed my first (and last) night of sleep since having Lucas!
We woke up to an equally impressive breakfast, Mike opting for the continental healthy stuff while I in true Yorkshire style went for the full English :)
We had our final treatment before we left which was a body scrub and steam followed by moisturiser and we went home feeling truly refreshed and spoilt :) I could not fault a thing about our stay. The staff were great, the food was fantastic, the spa and hotel were clean and the treatments and facilities were first rate.
So much did I enjoy it that we have come to an agreement that I will go to the spa one evening a month in an effort to try to de-stress. I would like to try another spa one day but for now I'm so happy at my closest one why change?!
Here's a few photos of us enjoying ourselves! :)
Disclaimer: All opinions expressed are my own, I was not asked to provide a review and did not receive anything for doing so.
Freya turns 3!
Sometimes I can't believe how big she is and other days I feel like she's been around forever, I can't imagine not having Freya now even though she drives me crazy on a daily basis!
The 3 milestone has seemed like a looming doom since we were told she was autistic for a couple of reasons. One, the doctor refused to officially diagnose her until she was 3 so we've spent the last year wondering if they could be wrong, where she will fall on the spectrum etc and two, because we were told they get worse at 3 and she was a handful enough already.
I've actually got to the point where if the doctor told me she felt she had misdiagnosed her I would argue that she was wrong, especially now I know I have Aspergers, she is way more loopy than I ever was! I had felt she would get the same diagnosis as me but now they're "doing away" with Aspergers she wouldn't anyway and as she does have some language delay I'm guessing she will fall under the high functioning autism label, probably with sensory impairment. Judgement day is next Monday so we will see if all my reading and observing has taught me anything about ASD :/
Given Freya's good progress at nursery I decided I wanted her to have a birthday party, she has seen many birthday parties on TV and seemed keen on the idea even if it came with a list of stipulations, balloons, a pig cake, a pink bike that dolly could ride in the back of etc
After a little research I decided a play centre would be the best idea, she could just run riot and it involves fairly little need for actual socialising.
I was distraught that not many of the children replied and in my usual manner took it personally. That said we ended up with 9 children and Freya came to meet most of them at the door to relieve them of their presents! It was a little sad that she ended up sat on her own at the table and showed me that even though the other kids seemed to like her she really is just a little loner. I don't think she's bothered about that at her age but I remember how it felt as a teenager feeling you were different and didn't quite gel with anyone and I worry for her.
The 3 milestone has seemed like a looming doom since we were told she was autistic for a couple of reasons. One, the doctor refused to officially diagnose her until she was 3 so we've spent the last year wondering if they could be wrong, where she will fall on the spectrum etc and two, because we were told they get worse at 3 and she was a handful enough already.
I've actually got to the point where if the doctor told me she felt she had misdiagnosed her I would argue that she was wrong, especially now I know I have Aspergers, she is way more loopy than I ever was! I had felt she would get the same diagnosis as me but now they're "doing away" with Aspergers she wouldn't anyway and as she does have some language delay I'm guessing she will fall under the high functioning autism label, probably with sensory impairment. Judgement day is next Monday so we will see if all my reading and observing has taught me anything about ASD :/
Given Freya's good progress at nursery I decided I wanted her to have a birthday party, she has seen many birthday parties on TV and seemed keen on the idea even if it came with a list of stipulations, balloons, a pig cake, a pink bike that dolly could ride in the back of etc
After a little research I decided a play centre would be the best idea, she could just run riot and it involves fairly little need for actual socialising.
I was distraught that not many of the children replied and in my usual manner took it personally. That said we ended up with 9 children and Freya came to meet most of them at the door to relieve them of their presents! It was a little sad that she ended up sat on her own at the table and showed me that even though the other kids seemed to like her she really is just a little loner. I don't think she's bothered about that at her age but I remember how it felt as a teenager feeling you were different and didn't quite gel with anyone and I worry for her.
She was very spoilt all in all, I had hired the place exclusively as I was worried she would get upset if there were kids running around she didn't know and she had a special cake made in the theme of her favourite programme, umi zoomi, also incorporating the requested balloons and a little pig in a muddy puddle. She received the pink bike with the doll seat that she'd been asking for for months.
Now she wants to know how many sleeps until she's 5 and can go to school!!
Sunday 13 October 2013
The emergence of the snail helper.....
A few months ago my husband was trying to get Freya to do something and after not much luck happened upon the idea of pretending his 2 fingers were a snail and in a little squeaky noise asked Freya again. She immediately looked at the "snail" and with a huge smile got on and did it!
Needless to say we were both a bit shocked as he had only been messing about to get her attention really.
It reminded me of the parents in "a friend like Henry" (also adapted into the film "about Thomas", though the book is miles better) who used their dog Henry's "voice" to ask their son to do things or get him to listen to them.
I can't explain why she listens to the snail or why a child with trouble expressing imagination believes that fingers are a snail! I have noticed if she's playing up in the car and we say "oh look Freya a cat" she stop and looks and says "oh a cat"?! It would appear she believes whatever you tell her but when I said your balloon is blue this morning she immediately corrected me saying "no, it's pink".
She has started to give snail a cuddle when he comes out and says "oh so cute" along with the words tiny and baby these have become key phrases we have noticed get her to be a bit gentle.
I mentioned snail to one of the workers at nursery and she has now enlisted snails help with Freya too :)
Needless to say we were both a bit shocked as he had only been messing about to get her attention really.
It reminded me of the parents in "a friend like Henry" (also adapted into the film "about Thomas", though the book is miles better) who used their dog Henry's "voice" to ask their son to do things or get him to listen to them.
I can't explain why she listens to the snail or why a child with trouble expressing imagination believes that fingers are a snail! I have noticed if she's playing up in the car and we say "oh look Freya a cat" she stop and looks and says "oh a cat"?! It would appear she believes whatever you tell her but when I said your balloon is blue this morning she immediately corrected me saying "no, it's pink".
She has started to give snail a cuddle when he comes out and says "oh so cute" along with the words tiny and baby these have become key phrases we have noticed get her to be a bit gentle.
I mentioned snail to one of the workers at nursery and she has now enlisted snails help with Freya too :)
Post diagnosis feelings
I have done a lot of thinking in the last 2 days, not that that's anything new
My husband says I need to write my thoughts down so that when the man from the clinic comes to visit me I will remember what to ask.
Despite spending 2 hours talking I keep thinking of all the things I didn't mention, I don't know what difference I think it would have made.
I spent so long thinking how I would feel if they said I didn't have ASD and whether I'd then just be labelled psychotic and have my kids taken away that I didn't spend much time thinking how I'd feel if I did have it.
I thought I'd feel relieved as at last I'd have an answer to my problems over the years, and I do feel relieved but it's also opened up more questions and I find myself going over certain things that have happened to me and how I was dealt with as a non autistic person and how that affected me.
It's not so much that I want to make a list of times I feel I was treated unfairly but more that now I can see why things affected me the way they did. All of it just helps me understand myself better.
Since being a teenager I have felt that I didn't fit in, I found it hard to talk to people and when I did I usually got a negative response. Over the years I came to the assumption that it was my fault that people didn't seem to like me and I have punished myself mentally and physically for that many times. Despite feeling that way I was never able to actually say I think it's my fault as I genuinely thought other people were at fault for not being able to understand what I was trying to tell them.
It's only when I get so wound up I go into melt down that then I can see it's me, I can't make myself understood and that annoys people and in turn hurts and frustrates the hell out of me.
I keep saying I don't want or need any friends and I want to live in a house in the middle of a field somewhere remote where I don't have to interact with other human beings but my husband says I don't want that really. I find it very annoying when he tells me what I want or don't want but I will agree that on the whole I'm not an unsociable person, I'm happy to chat to most people but negative experiences have led me feel I'm better off just avoiding social interactions as I just mess them up and either end up upset and confused myself or upset someone else.
I suppose in a nut shell I feel I'm a burden to others and I over compensate for this by not asking for help when I need it, refusing to leave the children with my husband for an hour and take a break.
I do feel a bit sorry for myself, I feel let down by the people who should have noticed my difficulties and supported me and I can't help but think how much easier and happier my life could have been.
The doctor said I have adapted very well and I could easily fool even a professional into thinking I didn't have Aspergers. He said if he'd met me in the hall he wouldn't have picked it up as I come across as intelligent and I smile in the right places etc
I think he was trying to say you seem normal until you open your mouth :)
It was hard to remember how I behaved at any early age, I really don't recall much that far back.
I don't remember struggling at school until I got older and even then I put it down to bad explanations by teachers that I didn't know what they were asking of me and ultimately I got good grades. I was always aware that I would have got better grades though had the teacher had time to re explain to me on a 1-1 basis but at that age you don't want to be the only one putting your hand up saying I don't get it so I made do with bundling along in the subjects I found more challenging.
I had one teacher Mr. Loaf at my girls school who always took the time to come over and say "do you understand? and I'd tell him what I thought he wanted me to do and he'd say yes or no or re explain. He was wonderful and while I was taught by him my grades rocketed to third highest in the class and I regularly got full marks and A grades. We had to move away and after 4 years in a mixed school with kids who didn't want to learn and teachers that didn't have time to help I struggled to get my eventual C grade at GCSE.
It seems weird to me now that I did art because there's no logic in it, maybe I felt as there was no right or wrong I couldn't fail at it but again I got a grade I didn't feel I deserved, much of that was no doubt due to my taking everything literally which made it harder to think outside the box. I was still worried I was "doing it wrong". Most of my work was about myself which makes sense now as it seems most autistic people are only focused on themselves and what they want to do. I wonder if I'd have got a better grade if they'd have known I had Aspergers then and could have realised what a struggle it all was for me.
My biggest headache at the moment though is feeling that I shouldn't have had kids, yes I'm great at providing for their basic needs but I'm just useless at helping and supporting them emotionally, I don't know what they're thinking or feeling and honestly it's hard enough to process my own feelings and thoughts without taking on other peoples as well. I didn't know that I couldn't do that until the girls got older and were in school and I thought if I had more support, less stress that would change but it hasn't and now I know it won't.
I can't find anything on the web about advice for autistic parents and definately not how to manage your autistic child if you have ASD yourself :(
My head hurts..............
My husband says I need to write my thoughts down so that when the man from the clinic comes to visit me I will remember what to ask.
Despite spending 2 hours talking I keep thinking of all the things I didn't mention, I don't know what difference I think it would have made.
I spent so long thinking how I would feel if they said I didn't have ASD and whether I'd then just be labelled psychotic and have my kids taken away that I didn't spend much time thinking how I'd feel if I did have it.
I thought I'd feel relieved as at last I'd have an answer to my problems over the years, and I do feel relieved but it's also opened up more questions and I find myself going over certain things that have happened to me and how I was dealt with as a non autistic person and how that affected me.
It's not so much that I want to make a list of times I feel I was treated unfairly but more that now I can see why things affected me the way they did. All of it just helps me understand myself better.
Since being a teenager I have felt that I didn't fit in, I found it hard to talk to people and when I did I usually got a negative response. Over the years I came to the assumption that it was my fault that people didn't seem to like me and I have punished myself mentally and physically for that many times. Despite feeling that way I was never able to actually say I think it's my fault as I genuinely thought other people were at fault for not being able to understand what I was trying to tell them.
It's only when I get so wound up I go into melt down that then I can see it's me, I can't make myself understood and that annoys people and in turn hurts and frustrates the hell out of me.
I keep saying I don't want or need any friends and I want to live in a house in the middle of a field somewhere remote where I don't have to interact with other human beings but my husband says I don't want that really. I find it very annoying when he tells me what I want or don't want but I will agree that on the whole I'm not an unsociable person, I'm happy to chat to most people but negative experiences have led me feel I'm better off just avoiding social interactions as I just mess them up and either end up upset and confused myself or upset someone else.
I suppose in a nut shell I feel I'm a burden to others and I over compensate for this by not asking for help when I need it, refusing to leave the children with my husband for an hour and take a break.
I do feel a bit sorry for myself, I feel let down by the people who should have noticed my difficulties and supported me and I can't help but think how much easier and happier my life could have been.
The doctor said I have adapted very well and I could easily fool even a professional into thinking I didn't have Aspergers. He said if he'd met me in the hall he wouldn't have picked it up as I come across as intelligent and I smile in the right places etc
I think he was trying to say you seem normal until you open your mouth :)
It was hard to remember how I behaved at any early age, I really don't recall much that far back.
I don't remember struggling at school until I got older and even then I put it down to bad explanations by teachers that I didn't know what they were asking of me and ultimately I got good grades. I was always aware that I would have got better grades though had the teacher had time to re explain to me on a 1-1 basis but at that age you don't want to be the only one putting your hand up saying I don't get it so I made do with bundling along in the subjects I found more challenging.
I had one teacher Mr. Loaf at my girls school who always took the time to come over and say "do you understand? and I'd tell him what I thought he wanted me to do and he'd say yes or no or re explain. He was wonderful and while I was taught by him my grades rocketed to third highest in the class and I regularly got full marks and A grades. We had to move away and after 4 years in a mixed school with kids who didn't want to learn and teachers that didn't have time to help I struggled to get my eventual C grade at GCSE.
It seems weird to me now that I did art because there's no logic in it, maybe I felt as there was no right or wrong I couldn't fail at it but again I got a grade I didn't feel I deserved, much of that was no doubt due to my taking everything literally which made it harder to think outside the box. I was still worried I was "doing it wrong". Most of my work was about myself which makes sense now as it seems most autistic people are only focused on themselves and what they want to do. I wonder if I'd have got a better grade if they'd have known I had Aspergers then and could have realised what a struggle it all was for me.
My biggest headache at the moment though is feeling that I shouldn't have had kids, yes I'm great at providing for their basic needs but I'm just useless at helping and supporting them emotionally, I don't know what they're thinking or feeling and honestly it's hard enough to process my own feelings and thoughts without taking on other peoples as well. I didn't know that I couldn't do that until the girls got older and were in school and I thought if I had more support, less stress that would change but it hasn't and now I know it won't.
I can't find anything on the web about advice for autistic parents and definately not how to manage your autistic child if you have ASD yourself :(
My head hurts..............
Friday 11 October 2013
Finally I have my diagnosis....
It's felt like an awfully long wait and I guess you could say I've been waiting 36 years but finally after 2 hours talking to a doctor and 2 autism specialists I've been told I have Aspergers. The doctor asked me how I felt about it, honestly? I feel hugely relieved, now I can make sense of who I am.
Tuesday 8 October 2013
Autism friendly film screenings
It was only a few months ago that I found out there were film screenings aimed at autistic people.
In fact they're for anyone who feels they would benefit from a more relaxed atmosphere while watching a film, maybe you want to take your toddler who asks questions all the way through or you don't like it totally dark or very loud, there are lots of people that would get benefit from this.
I had never dared take Freya to a regular screening as I wasn't sure how she would behave.
The first one we went to she started off very well behaved and I felt people were looking at me wondering why we needed to be there (they probably weren't at all) I was therefore kind of relieved when she started walking right up to the front of the screen and spinning around on the spot. She then climbed across all the chairs in the front row and threw her shoes and socks off. Needless to say no one batted an eye at her.
It was such a huge weight off my shoulders, she loves films and we need to be able to take Lucas too and now we can do it in a relaxed environment.
We went to see "planes" at the weekend and as usual there were only about 5 families in the whole room.
We were adopted by a young lad who sat next to my husband and asked him questions throughout the film.
His parents tried to get him to be quiet but he wasn't bothering us, he was very sweet and funny. He was pre-occupied with thoughts of going to Disney and even recited the advert about Disney being a magical place where all your dreams came true!
My husband gets sick of me going on about going back to Disney and has come up with the theory that maybe all autistic people love Disney as we all live in a self absorbed unrealistic world?! I wonder if that's true!
It was interesting to watch Freya interacting with a boy of about 8, he decided to copy her rolling on the floor and after that she followed him about sitting nearly on top of the poor boy on the stairs and copying him lying down with his feet on the steps. I wasn't sure what he thought about it as she was majorly invading his personal space but he didn't seem to notice and if he did was very tolerant of her.
She never sits and watches the whole film but I know if we tried to leave early she would do her nut, she seems to still be listening and taking it in as she's dashing about the place.
We nearly had an incident on leaving as I had told her next time we would watch the film with a snail and she obviously thought it was straight after as she said "now watch snail", fortunately there was a model of the snail in the foyer and she was content to sit on this.
In fact they're for anyone who feels they would benefit from a more relaxed atmosphere while watching a film, maybe you want to take your toddler who asks questions all the way through or you don't like it totally dark or very loud, there are lots of people that would get benefit from this.
I had never dared take Freya to a regular screening as I wasn't sure how she would behave.
The first one we went to she started off very well behaved and I felt people were looking at me wondering why we needed to be there (they probably weren't at all) I was therefore kind of relieved when she started walking right up to the front of the screen and spinning around on the spot. She then climbed across all the chairs in the front row and threw her shoes and socks off. Needless to say no one batted an eye at her.
It was such a huge weight off my shoulders, she loves films and we need to be able to take Lucas too and now we can do it in a relaxed environment.
We went to see "planes" at the weekend and as usual there were only about 5 families in the whole room.
We were adopted by a young lad who sat next to my husband and asked him questions throughout the film.
His parents tried to get him to be quiet but he wasn't bothering us, he was very sweet and funny. He was pre-occupied with thoughts of going to Disney and even recited the advert about Disney being a magical place where all your dreams came true!
My husband gets sick of me going on about going back to Disney and has come up with the theory that maybe all autistic people love Disney as we all live in a self absorbed unrealistic world?! I wonder if that's true!
It was interesting to watch Freya interacting with a boy of about 8, he decided to copy her rolling on the floor and after that she followed him about sitting nearly on top of the poor boy on the stairs and copying him lying down with his feet on the steps. I wasn't sure what he thought about it as she was majorly invading his personal space but he didn't seem to notice and if he did was very tolerant of her.
She never sits and watches the whole film but I know if we tried to leave early she would do her nut, she seems to still be listening and taking it in as she's dashing about the place.
We nearly had an incident on leaving as I had told her next time we would watch the film with a snail and she obviously thought it was straight after as she said "now watch snail", fortunately there was a model of the snail in the foyer and she was content to sit on this.
I don't think these screenings are advertised well enough as you can't buy the tickets until the Wednesday before the showing, they are not advertised at the cinema or on their websites until that Wednesday.
If anyone would like to find out more you can look on autism Bedfordshire which has the link to dimensions who run the screenings all over the UK at 3 different cinema chains. It would be awful if they stopped showing them due to lack of numbers so don't be put off, go along and give them a go :)
Friday 27 September 2013
Freya's first crispy cakes
Here is Freya making her first crispy cakes, a few spoon changes were required after they were eaten along with their contents!
starting the magic?!
Today we are starting to implement the things we have been taught at 123 magic, as expected it's not gone well so far.
We have discovered it doesn't work when she wants food and is whining on and on as when I said "that's 1" she replied "yes 1" thinking I meant she could have one! Again 2 just made her think she was getting two.
I can see why, we have always told her one or two sweets then no more so she has learnt you can have one but just one or just two :/
I also expected the continuing of my counting as she loves to count so my 1 has been followed by 2,3,4,5,6 etc
We are not meant to talk to her while counting or sending her to her room but as she hasn't a clue what we're doing yet I've felt it only fair to say "you have to go to your room now as you wouldn't get dressed etc"
She came back before the 3 minutes a few times so I tried to ignore her and then ask again for her to get dressed.
It's all very confusing for us let alone her. They said she could sit and play with a toy as long as it's not electronic but I can't get her to sit still on a good day that's why I thought going to her room was a better idea as there's not much in there to do but when I went back she was playing with her bob the builder workshop oblivious to the fact she was meant to be there for being naughty.
She then didn't want to leave to get dressed so now what if I count her again she goes back to her room, but she's already in it and she wants to stay there to keep playing so that's backfired already :(
I keep being told how important her visuals aids are so I spent a lot of time last night sorting them and thinking what we'd put up for this morning. We managed breakfast and she looked quite interested in the getting dressed as it was followed by TV but then decided she didn't fancy getting dressed after all.
I added a baking one after the TV as I've been saying we'd make chocolate crispy cakes for ages and she was very excited about that, so much so that she climbed on the sofa to change the cards around so that baking was now followed by TV and the getting dressed got flung on the floor! :/
There was also the usual debate on the teenager leaving with jeans instead of school trousers and what should be done about that. I decided to call the school and inform them she claims they are in a friends locker and we have agreed I will take her phone if she comes back without them or I get a call about any other trouble she's got up to today. I do feel it should have been explained that she would get her phone removed if she came home without them so maybe I will text her that.
I admit the whole thing of Mike badgering me about coming down harder on her has made me feel really cornered and stressed. I know he's right but he seems to enjoy seeing her unhappy and that makes me feel defensive towards her :/
I think it's going to be a lot of trial and error and I don't know how long to keep trying before you change tactic.
1,2,3 out......
We have discovered it doesn't work when she wants food and is whining on and on as when I said "that's 1" she replied "yes 1" thinking I meant she could have one! Again 2 just made her think she was getting two.
I can see why, we have always told her one or two sweets then no more so she has learnt you can have one but just one or just two :/
I also expected the continuing of my counting as she loves to count so my 1 has been followed by 2,3,4,5,6 etc
We are not meant to talk to her while counting or sending her to her room but as she hasn't a clue what we're doing yet I've felt it only fair to say "you have to go to your room now as you wouldn't get dressed etc"
She came back before the 3 minutes a few times so I tried to ignore her and then ask again for her to get dressed.
It's all very confusing for us let alone her. They said she could sit and play with a toy as long as it's not electronic but I can't get her to sit still on a good day that's why I thought going to her room was a better idea as there's not much in there to do but when I went back she was playing with her bob the builder workshop oblivious to the fact she was meant to be there for being naughty.
She then didn't want to leave to get dressed so now what if I count her again she goes back to her room, but she's already in it and she wants to stay there to keep playing so that's backfired already :(
I keep being told how important her visuals aids are so I spent a lot of time last night sorting them and thinking what we'd put up for this morning. We managed breakfast and she looked quite interested in the getting dressed as it was followed by TV but then decided she didn't fancy getting dressed after all.
I added a baking one after the TV as I've been saying we'd make chocolate crispy cakes for ages and she was very excited about that, so much so that she climbed on the sofa to change the cards around so that baking was now followed by TV and the getting dressed got flung on the floor! :/
There was also the usual debate on the teenager leaving with jeans instead of school trousers and what should be done about that. I decided to call the school and inform them she claims they are in a friends locker and we have agreed I will take her phone if she comes back without them or I get a call about any other trouble she's got up to today. I do feel it should have been explained that she would get her phone removed if she came home without them so maybe I will text her that.
I admit the whole thing of Mike badgering me about coming down harder on her has made me feel really cornered and stressed. I know he's right but he seems to enjoy seeing her unhappy and that makes me feel defensive towards her :/
I think it's going to be a lot of trial and error and I don't know how long to keep trying before you change tactic.
1,2,3 out......
Wednesday 25 September 2013
magic pie
I've been meaning to re write about my experience at 123 magic last week, I have to eat humble pie which is never easy when you're as stubborn as me!
I was very grumpy when I went in, I didn't want to wear a sticker with my name and did make a comment to the mum next to me saying "don't we all need the same sticker saying bad parent?" she just laughed and said "only bad parent, I've got myself down as hopeless too!" which did cheer me up a little.
I went on to moan that I didn't think it would work for Freya as she was autistic and it turned out her son is autistic too so I shut up.
The ladies running it started by introducing themselves and it turned out one of them had an autistic son and the conversation suggested the course was actually aimed at parents of children with special needs.
It still took a while to win me over and I seemed to be the only parent who didn't think it was a problem letting your child take the lead and do stuff to please her for an easy life!
We talked about all the kids behaviours that we'd like to stop and things we'd like them to start doing. We talked about using the 1,2,3 count and the time out punishment.
It was quite nice to hear other parents talking about similar problems to us and to have someone to talk about your child with who could understand your frustrations.
On rating Freya she didn't seem that bad, only scoring 47 out of a possible 100 but a lot didn't apply for her age and when we rated them as either minor but annoying or majorly annoying nearly all of hers went in the majorly annoying :/
We also found out about another course about visual awareness that we asked to be sent on as it seemed it would be useful for us and Freya.
We have another session this week on how to manage the challenging of the counting so we will see how that goes!
I was very grumpy when I went in, I didn't want to wear a sticker with my name and did make a comment to the mum next to me saying "don't we all need the same sticker saying bad parent?" she just laughed and said "only bad parent, I've got myself down as hopeless too!" which did cheer me up a little.
I went on to moan that I didn't think it would work for Freya as she was autistic and it turned out her son is autistic too so I shut up.
The ladies running it started by introducing themselves and it turned out one of them had an autistic son and the conversation suggested the course was actually aimed at parents of children with special needs.
It still took a while to win me over and I seemed to be the only parent who didn't think it was a problem letting your child take the lead and do stuff to please her for an easy life!
We talked about all the kids behaviours that we'd like to stop and things we'd like them to start doing. We talked about using the 1,2,3 count and the time out punishment.
It was quite nice to hear other parents talking about similar problems to us and to have someone to talk about your child with who could understand your frustrations.
On rating Freya she didn't seem that bad, only scoring 47 out of a possible 100 but a lot didn't apply for her age and when we rated them as either minor but annoying or majorly annoying nearly all of hers went in the majorly annoying :/
We also found out about another course about visual awareness that we asked to be sent on as it seemed it would be useful for us and Freya.
We have another session this week on how to manage the challenging of the counting so we will see how that goes!
Tuesday 24 September 2013
Happy to not be a supermum!!
I've really got a bee in my bonnet in the last few weeks about the bombardment of tales of "supermums" I keep coming across, and while I may have been less inclined to voice my opinion 18 years ago when I had my first baby at only 18 myself, I now feel at the more accepted age of 36 with 6 kids I am qualified to have a good moan about it!
We are always being told how awful it is that our children are growing up looking at super skinny models with have it all lifestyles and thinking they must be the same to be accepted, but what about the ever growing list of things us hard working, under appreciated mums are now being told we must do or have in order to be merely considered as being a "good mum".
Now before I unintentionally offend anyone, if you are working, looking fabulous, raising money for charity, and bringing up polite, well rounded children without breaking a sweat then good on you.
It's great that there are women who can do so much but has anyone else noticed how being bombarded with constant stories of these "supermums" makes the rest of us feel that we shouldn't even be entitled to be mums?
It used to be the ultimate achievement to be on the PTA at your child's school but these days you're not worth the time of day if you're not juggling multiple commitments in a designer dress with a huge smile on your face!
It started with the breast feeding for me, we all know breast feeding in best but why are women still being made to feel guilty if they can't? One first time mum told me a sales assistant in boots refused to tell her where the formula milk was and gave her an ear full about how she should be breast feeding her baby??!!
I was fuming, the poor woman was a total state trying to justify to me why she hadn't been able to do it.
I put her straight and explained I had tried with my first which was so awful I didn't try again until the fifth one (Freya) which again didn't work as she was very stressed at the breast and slightly tongue tied and again with Lucas I persevered for the first day but even the midwives admitted he was properly attached but I was just sobbing in pain for the whole feed. Just last week another busy body from the children's centre said "oh if only you'd come to us we could have got him going"!! Yes, well I'd had my 2nd c-section and wasn't going anywhere for weeks and several midwives checked his attachment so they couldn't all be wrong!
I now wonder if this is because I'm autistic? I am always hurting myself and it's often commented on that I make a huge fuss at the smallest things so maybe I'm the opposite of Freya and I'm over sensitive to pain??
It's screwed me up so much feeling a huge failure for being unable to breast feed that it's a big part of why I wanted testing for autism. Some may see that as looking for an excuse but after years of feeling I've been the problem in every area of my life I'd be quite happy to let myself off just one of my failings!
You would think that working with babies would give these people some understanding of how hard it is but it seems more that they see so many they become almost complacent about it!
My husband got the raw end of another of my bug bears the other day as he stood chatting to a lady from playgroup in Morrison's and merrily announced to me her baby was only 6 days old! I tried hard to bite my tongue but got in such a huge strop I ended up ranting at him for about half an hour about how I'm sure she had an immaculately tidy home too and was probably still having her husbands tea on the table as he came in after work and maybe her baby was even sleeping through already and if not she was clearly just another supermum and he should have picked better when choosing a mum for his son!
Needless to say he just sat looking at me in disbelief with his mouth open!
And this is the damage that's done by these seemingly innocent comments people make, every time my mum comes round and says "oh dear did a bomb go off in here?" or her favourite "you've clearly been neglecting the exercises, my tummy never looked like that, it looks like you're expecting again"!!
This is why I get mad when people suggest parenting classes because I feel they're saying I'm useless.
I feel inferior every time I see a photo of the things my niece gets up to with her 2 cooking and crafting, and she works too. I'm just looking after the kids, my husband and the house and not even asking for any time for myself and I can't keep on top of things. I don't get to go for a wee in peace so getting half an hour to exercise or straighten my hair is pretty unlikely. By the time they've both gone to bed I'm so exhausted I just fall asleep!
I wonder now how I managed to study for my degree when I had four kids at home and had no partner to help me. Maybe I used to be a supermum but I've lost my powers?! Or maybe not, then the kids were getting neglected being shoved in childcare while I attended lectures and wrote up dissertations.
When they were tiny you could have eaten off my kitchen floor but I was a raving loony screaming at the kids every time they got something out, threatening to throw all their toys away if they didn't tidy up, I don't think they were happier then and I certainly wasn't.
I used to be a size 8 after my first four but guess what I got older and then I had a huge baby boy and now I'm a size 12, so what?! I wouldn't send him back to get my figure back and I'm not prepared to work myself into the ground to tone my tummy at the present time either, I'm still getting up at least twice a night for either him or Freya and I'm tired out! Also having had a history of eating disorders I'm not going to allow myself to get hung up on my bit of flab nor tell myself I can't have a piece of cheesecake or chocolate, it would be the fastest way to end up back on anti-depressants!
I guess I would just like the world to realise that all mums are different, and we are generally trying our best and doing what we think is right for us or our kids. It's a tough enough job without all the guilt and expectations of others.
So I may not be a supermum, but I'm happy not to be, I would be so stressed trying to do so much just because society thinks I should and I would be a worse parent for it. I know I'm not a fantastic mum and I have got things wrong and no doubt will again but when I get Lucas out of his cot in the morning or pick up Freya from nursery they both have huge grins and hold out there arms to me, and isn't that what really matters?
We are always being told how awful it is that our children are growing up looking at super skinny models with have it all lifestyles and thinking they must be the same to be accepted, but what about the ever growing list of things us hard working, under appreciated mums are now being told we must do or have in order to be merely considered as being a "good mum".
Now before I unintentionally offend anyone, if you are working, looking fabulous, raising money for charity, and bringing up polite, well rounded children without breaking a sweat then good on you.
It's great that there are women who can do so much but has anyone else noticed how being bombarded with constant stories of these "supermums" makes the rest of us feel that we shouldn't even be entitled to be mums?
It used to be the ultimate achievement to be on the PTA at your child's school but these days you're not worth the time of day if you're not juggling multiple commitments in a designer dress with a huge smile on your face!
It started with the breast feeding for me, we all know breast feeding in best but why are women still being made to feel guilty if they can't? One first time mum told me a sales assistant in boots refused to tell her where the formula milk was and gave her an ear full about how she should be breast feeding her baby??!!
I was fuming, the poor woman was a total state trying to justify to me why she hadn't been able to do it.
I put her straight and explained I had tried with my first which was so awful I didn't try again until the fifth one (Freya) which again didn't work as she was very stressed at the breast and slightly tongue tied and again with Lucas I persevered for the first day but even the midwives admitted he was properly attached but I was just sobbing in pain for the whole feed. Just last week another busy body from the children's centre said "oh if only you'd come to us we could have got him going"!! Yes, well I'd had my 2nd c-section and wasn't going anywhere for weeks and several midwives checked his attachment so they couldn't all be wrong!
I now wonder if this is because I'm autistic? I am always hurting myself and it's often commented on that I make a huge fuss at the smallest things so maybe I'm the opposite of Freya and I'm over sensitive to pain??
It's screwed me up so much feeling a huge failure for being unable to breast feed that it's a big part of why I wanted testing for autism. Some may see that as looking for an excuse but after years of feeling I've been the problem in every area of my life I'd be quite happy to let myself off just one of my failings!
You would think that working with babies would give these people some understanding of how hard it is but it seems more that they see so many they become almost complacent about it!
My husband got the raw end of another of my bug bears the other day as he stood chatting to a lady from playgroup in Morrison's and merrily announced to me her baby was only 6 days old! I tried hard to bite my tongue but got in such a huge strop I ended up ranting at him for about half an hour about how I'm sure she had an immaculately tidy home too and was probably still having her husbands tea on the table as he came in after work and maybe her baby was even sleeping through already and if not she was clearly just another supermum and he should have picked better when choosing a mum for his son!
Needless to say he just sat looking at me in disbelief with his mouth open!
And this is the damage that's done by these seemingly innocent comments people make, every time my mum comes round and says "oh dear did a bomb go off in here?" or her favourite "you've clearly been neglecting the exercises, my tummy never looked like that, it looks like you're expecting again"!!
This is why I get mad when people suggest parenting classes because I feel they're saying I'm useless.
I feel inferior every time I see a photo of the things my niece gets up to with her 2 cooking and crafting, and she works too. I'm just looking after the kids, my husband and the house and not even asking for any time for myself and I can't keep on top of things. I don't get to go for a wee in peace so getting half an hour to exercise or straighten my hair is pretty unlikely. By the time they've both gone to bed I'm so exhausted I just fall asleep!
I wonder now how I managed to study for my degree when I had four kids at home and had no partner to help me. Maybe I used to be a supermum but I've lost my powers?! Or maybe not, then the kids were getting neglected being shoved in childcare while I attended lectures and wrote up dissertations.
When they were tiny you could have eaten off my kitchen floor but I was a raving loony screaming at the kids every time they got something out, threatening to throw all their toys away if they didn't tidy up, I don't think they were happier then and I certainly wasn't.
I used to be a size 8 after my first four but guess what I got older and then I had a huge baby boy and now I'm a size 12, so what?! I wouldn't send him back to get my figure back and I'm not prepared to work myself into the ground to tone my tummy at the present time either, I'm still getting up at least twice a night for either him or Freya and I'm tired out! Also having had a history of eating disorders I'm not going to allow myself to get hung up on my bit of flab nor tell myself I can't have a piece of cheesecake or chocolate, it would be the fastest way to end up back on anti-depressants!
I guess I would just like the world to realise that all mums are different, and we are generally trying our best and doing what we think is right for us or our kids. It's a tough enough job without all the guilt and expectations of others.
So I may not be a supermum, but I'm happy not to be, I would be so stressed trying to do so much just because society thinks I should and I would be a worse parent for it. I know I'm not a fantastic mum and I have got things wrong and no doubt will again but when I get Lucas out of his cot in the morning or pick up Freya from nursery they both have huge grins and hold out there arms to me, and isn't that what really matters?
Monday 16 September 2013
Martha's vintage tearoom review
We popped into the newest tearoom in Shefford today
Martha's vintage tearoom has opened up next to the dolls house in duck lane in Shefford
We were enticed in by the smell of cooking from the open door......
We decided to sit inside as it was a little chilly, my first impressions were this was not a place I could have brought Freya.
The tables were laid with pretty embroidered cloths over pale blue table cloths and each setting had a china tea cup and saucer.
I liked the feel of the place, it was quiet when we went in and I quite enjoyed the old music they were playing.
I decided to try the soup which we had smelt, it was a homemade onion, my husband ordered an egg sandwich. I don't recall ever having onion soup out and was confused as to the piece of cheese toasted bread floating in the middle, my husband assured me this was normal.
His plate on the other hand was not, he had a little side salad which had been served in another tea cup! The sandwich was served in little triangles like my mum used to make on Sundays for tea and a handful of crinkle cut crisps.
More people came in and someone bought a hanging sign from the wall which was then replaced with anther from the dolls house shop.
My soup was very nice and Mike assured my his sandwich was "the best egg mayo sandwich he'd ever bought" quite something coming from him, he's a bit of a food snob! Lucas shared a bit of everything but proved my point about it not being too kid friendly by grinding a soggy brown sugar cube into the nice lacy tablecloth!
They may have had ones to replace them but I felt everything was too fiddly and delicate to have anything but the best behaved older kids in there.
On the plus side there are the tables outside that you could use if it's nice enough although I expect you would still get the kids juice in a glass, a nightmare for parents of kids who like to lob things around!
My husband had a nice chat with the chef before we left and she told him she'd tried a beetroot and apple soup earlier in the week, that sounded interesting.
The staff were very pleasant and while it was a bit more expensive than we expected it was a lovely enough visit to prompt me to write this and hopefully drum up a little more business for them :)
So if you live in Shefford and haven't tried it yet or if you're visiting, pop in to Martha's vintage tearoom and see what you think.
Disclaimer: All opinions are my own, I was not asked to provide a review and did not receive anything for doing so.
Martha's vintage tearoom has opened up next to the dolls house in duck lane in Shefford
We were enticed in by the smell of cooking from the open door......
We decided to sit inside as it was a little chilly, my first impressions were this was not a place I could have brought Freya.
The tables were laid with pretty embroidered cloths over pale blue table cloths and each setting had a china tea cup and saucer.
I liked the feel of the place, it was quiet when we went in and I quite enjoyed the old music they were playing.
I decided to try the soup which we had smelt, it was a homemade onion, my husband ordered an egg sandwich. I don't recall ever having onion soup out and was confused as to the piece of cheese toasted bread floating in the middle, my husband assured me this was normal.
His plate on the other hand was not, he had a little side salad which had been served in another tea cup! The sandwich was served in little triangles like my mum used to make on Sundays for tea and a handful of crinkle cut crisps.
More people came in and someone bought a hanging sign from the wall which was then replaced with anther from the dolls house shop.
My soup was very nice and Mike assured my his sandwich was "the best egg mayo sandwich he'd ever bought" quite something coming from him, he's a bit of a food snob! Lucas shared a bit of everything but proved my point about it not being too kid friendly by grinding a soggy brown sugar cube into the nice lacy tablecloth!
They may have had ones to replace them but I felt everything was too fiddly and delicate to have anything but the best behaved older kids in there.
On the plus side there are the tables outside that you could use if it's nice enough although I expect you would still get the kids juice in a glass, a nightmare for parents of kids who like to lob things around!
My husband had a nice chat with the chef before we left and she told him she'd tried a beetroot and apple soup earlier in the week, that sounded interesting.
The staff were very pleasant and while it was a bit more expensive than we expected it was a lovely enough visit to prompt me to write this and hopefully drum up a little more business for them :)
So if you live in Shefford and haven't tried it yet or if you're visiting, pop in to Martha's vintage tearoom and see what you think.
Disclaimer: All opinions are my own, I was not asked to provide a review and did not receive anything for doing so.
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