I managed quite well at the job, I got stressed now and again and ended up having to confess I had Aspergers to explain why I'd been virtually in tears the one day they didn't send me for my lunch break within 45mins of the usual time!
After that chat with my manager she made sure I was always told at the start of my shift roughly what time I'd be going for my break :)
It's not the first job I'd had and I didn't think getting a job would be as hard as it was.
I have noted over the years that I'm never the first person to get the job I apply for, I am the next on the list when their first choice turns out to be unreliable or doesn't like the job etc
That used to annoy me but since my diagnosis and my acceptance that on face value I can't always hold my own and can be a tad shy and awkward I've come to see it as proof of my reliable nature.
The first job I had was at 13, I worked in the local newsagent which was very small but I mainly worked alone and had a variety of little jobs to do to keep me busy. The owner was nice and made me lunch and I had customers who came in and bought me chocolate or sweets. I worked there until I fell pregnant at 17 when she felt it best I leave. I think I did well at this job.
The next job I had was at a train station in the newsagent where I worked from 6am with all the commuters rushing through throwing their change at the counter for you to rummage through the sweets to find or screaming at you for not having their paper. You would think this would have been too stressful for someone with my high anxiety levels but I still did ok. I put this completely down to the young lady I worked with. She would come in singing at 5.45am and rarely lost that smile and happy outlook which made it pretty hard to get grumpy. She had been doing the job a few years and made me feel very safe and looked after. She later became a good friend of mine :) I left this job when I had my first baby, I lost the first one in case you're confused.
When my daughter was 6 months I got a job at a small video rental store in the evenings. It was a warm friendly place with regular customers and I really enjoyed organising the videos by number and of course getting to watch all the new releases. I remember them releasing the first x files box set :)
I worked here for a few years and the only problem I remember was getting along with some of the other staff. My manager was sacked for sexual harassment and I had been oblivious to the fact that most of what he said was highly inappropriate and unprofessional.
The only work I did after that was volunteering at the girls school for lunch duties and listening to reading etc
When I was working at Waitrose I had no idea how well I was being treated and I did get stressed with the noise levels in the store sometimes especially if I was on the kiosk near the cafe with the coffee machine going. I did forget to make eye contact with the customers sometimes. I tend to go bright red when people talk to me and this was commented on a few times. One of the toughest things was fighting the tiredness. I find concentrating on getting things right for the job and all the social interactions incredibly tiring. After an hour with my therapist I am fit for nothing but sleep because it's so incredibly draining engaging so intensely for an hour and challenging your thoughts and beliefs it totally knocks me for 6. Therefore working a 6 hour shift is really draining for me, I'm not lazy I'm just so overwhelmed by all the sensory input and all the thinking involved in trying to appear as though I'm like everyone else.
You may wonder then why I decide to leave Waitrose for a job elsewhere doing a different role? In simple terms I wanted to be closer to home. Getting to Waitrose involved an hour and a half's travelling if I had to get myself there. This included a train journey, a long walk and a bus ride, all of which cause me a lot of anxiety. You wouldn't know if you saw me sat on the train station that I was having constant visions of throwing myself under a train and when the fast trains go flying through I'm screaming internally with terror. You wouldn't see how uncomfortable I am sat on the bus with people talking and listening to music and smelling weird. I internalise all this anxiety and at some point it comes out in the form of a melt down or more often just me being snappy and mean to my family. I just look miserable from the outside (so I've often been told) like I'm a moody cow, which I guess I am :) but really I'm just frightened, terrified by people and their unpredictable natures, deafened by noises, blinded by lights, tortured by the visions in my head and confused and stressed by the constant chatter in my head trying to make sense of it all.
Maybe I should not have been surprised therefore that my new job did not go well. My first impression on visiting was 'wow, that's a small space behind the counter and there's about 4 girls trying to squeeze past each other while bustling about busy with orders' you see my instincts were spot on that this may be an issue for me.
The first day was truly awful, 8 hours on my feet rushing orders back and forth, carrying heavy trays, tying to learn how to use the coffee machine, (which was less annoying when making the noise myself?!) being told different ways to do things by different people, 30 mins for lunch when you're not sure how to get to the canteen meaning wolfing down half your dinner before running back. I genuinely thought I was going to break or die. Every part of my body was in agony by the time I finished and my head felt like it was going to explode.
I told myself my body would get used to the work but my head was a different matter.
The next shift was no better, there was no let up in the pace, no chance for a sip of water or a loo break. I had a 6 hour shift that day and was told I was not entitled to a break. I don't do well when I haven't eaten and I knew this would only add to my problems.
The other girls seemed impatient with me, I was always in the way, I had to be reminded over and over to check for tables that needed clearing. I couldn't get the coffee right. It was hot, I had such a bad pain in one foot I could barely walk.
The next shift was the day after so I'd had no time to recover, I tried to escape into the kitchen to wash dishes where at least I could focus on one task and was not being constantly touched and shunted to one side while being given several different jobs in the space of 5 minutes.
I struggled to remember all the rules while serving, I apologised countless times for getting them wrong. I tried to remain friendly and upbeat but it was all getting too much. I tried to ask one of the others about an order and was ignored twice then told to do something else but I couldn't, I'd been asked about an order by a customer and I needed to answer her before I could do something else.
I snapped both internally and literally, I couldn't wait to get out and I knew I couldn't go back.
I felt like a mental patient there, like I had no grasp on anything in my life. Even when I got home I couldn't function, it was as if I'd been physically assaulted and mentally tortured for days. I felt ill, I felt really disabled and I felt as though I'd never be able to do a job again.
It took a while and a reminder from my husband that I could manage at work, I'd managed at Waitrose. I'd still struggled with some things and some days I'd been very stressed and taken extra medication and then had trouble staying awake, but on the whole I'd done ok. Both my husband and therapist have said I coped better in general when I was working there, maybe having the time out from the stress of family life or having something for me to focus on that I felt I was doing well with? I don't know what it was and I don't know if I was coping better. When you're in a constant state of high anxiety it's hard to notice the small moments when you smiled, relaxed for a millisecond, to feel proud that you helped someone or that you managed a situation well.
Anxiety is huge for me, every minute of the day I am on high alert, my jaw is clenched, my head is running overtime processing and making up nonsense that just adds further to my anxiety.
I have sometimes felt like I should have achieved more given that I have a degree and I know many people think working in a shop is a sad and somewhat pathetic job but now I see what an achievement this was for me. I may be over qualified in academic terms but I was born with restrictions and I have struggled for nearly 40 years to understand why I have these. You can't see them from the outside but they're very real for me.
There is a lot of talk right now about getting disabled people into work and especially those with mental problems and it frightens me. I was lucky to find jobs where I could manage my anxiety, where I had people willing and able to make adjustments for me even before I knew I needed them.
Not everyone will be this lucky and a bad experience like I had could totally break someone who is forced to remain at that job either by the system or because they need to feed themselves.
If I had had to stay in that job it would have broken me, I would have had a nervous breakdown. I am lucky that I am in a position where I could walk away and with a hopeful heart re-apply for my job at Waitrose :)
