Autism v "normal" I think I prefer the autism!!

It never ceases to amaze me how childish some "grown ups" can be, I have just received an email from a member of my partners family telling me they can no longer attend our party, (that would be our wedding she's refering to) as we didn't attend her party, (family gathering) on saturday. She didn't say that last bit but it seems a pretty huge coincidence after telling us we were expected to go.
As she's making the cake we now have to do a 5 hour round trip the day before the wedding to collect it.
Now don't get me wrong I'm very grateful that she has been kind enough to offer to do the cake for us as a wedding gift but we do not have time to go and get it. The marquee is being delivered on the day before the wedding and I have to decorate it and arrange all the last minute things that can't be done until the day before. 
If my partner is out for 5 or 6 hours I can't get that done with a baby and demanding toddler round my ankles!

Autistic people often have trouble maintaining friendships due to their difficulties understanding the unsaid social rules, they find it difficult to empathise with others and confuse peoples intentions..... 
so how come I know that if you are always doing the running around for your "friend" travelling to see them at a time convenient to them yet they can't do the same for you, surely that's not a real friend? I can appreciate that people have their owns lives and while it upsets me I understand they can't always be there for me, and I am quite capable of reading beween the lines or identifying an outright lie. 
Maybe I'm not autistic or maybe I should go back to my original thought that it's not me that's the problem it's everybody else!!!

And this is why I don't like people doing things for me because it's never done out of the goodness of their heart, it's always with a condition or you end up owing them, generally it's not free as you will "pay" for it in one way or another! This is why I have very few friends and it's further cemented my opinion that I'm better off without them.

If you mean so little to someone that they can't ever put themselves out for you you're better off without them in your life I say and that includes family unfortunately. 

It's hard enough trying to work out what "normal" people are thinking, doing, trying to say etc and then to work out what the hell I'm meant to think, do or say in response but at least with me you not I'm not lying, being two faced or playing games. It's really no wonder there's such a huge void between us, I think "normal" people could learn a lot about communicating from autistic people!!

first hair cut

Freya went for her first hair cut the other day, I took her when her sister was going too as I thought she was more likely to sit still!
She really doesn't like anyone touching her hair so I was expecting to leave without it getting cut.
She sat up on the stool with no bother in the dog robe and enjoyed looking at herself in the mirror, I'd forgotten there would be a mirror and she does love looking at herself!
Anyway she did wiggle and turn to look at her sister but after ten mins it was trimmed nicely and I then just had to entertain her until her sister was done!

Are there any other autistic parents out there??

I've just sat and read "Autism, a practical guide for parents" by Alan Yau
Within the first chapter I found I was just reading about my own behaviour and found it impossible to separate myself from that in order to take on some advice to help my daughter.
I struggled through to the end of chapter 5 by which time my head was throbbing.
There are a few things that have stuck in my mind from our first visit to the doctor at the child development unit, the rest is still lost in the shock of the diagnosis. She said "I see a lot of positives in her, she does give eye contact, she is verbal with good understanding of a large range of basic words", and finally "these children cannot change so we have to change"
Since realising it is likely I am also autistic I have asked my partner several times how I can change if I also can't change?
It was the same reading this book, try to show your child that life has many shades of grey and get them to rate their experiences on a scale of 1 to 5...... if I had a pound for every partner who has screamed at me "life isn't black and white" I'd be a billionaire. So I can't do that one, as far as I'm concerned it is black or white, right or wrong, I have tried over and over to try to think how it can be anything else but I don't see how it can, surely it's just one or the other? that's logical, that makes sense and therefore in my head if it's logical it's right.
My partner says I'm like Dr Spock from star trek, he tries to tell me examples when Spock had to accept that something worked when logic didn't. Every time he says it all I can think is Spock didn't understand emotions, he was just cold. It confuses me as I recognise that I have a lack of understanding of other people's emotions but I am a very sensitive emotional person and the 2 things seem to contradict each other.
I am going to get him to read the book as I think it will help him understand me a bit better! One bit that struck a cord was something we discussed just this morning. He was lecturing me on how I make my life more difficult and complicated than it needs to be by the way I go about things, thus making myself more stressed. He said I often do a thing a certain way and he points out a "better, easier" way to do it which I ignore and then after much going round the houses end up doing it the way he suggested!
What I heard was that he is always right, I'm always wrong and I cause my own stress so only have myself to blame!
The book stated that a child with autism often thinks the first way they do something is THE right way to do it and if you want them to do it differently but don't correct them the first time you will likely be unable to correct them later as they think they're doing it right!
While the book has further convinced me I have autism it was not much use to me for helping my daughter.
I have actually begun to wonder whether I can parent any of them, I've always been very good at the basic things, I am a domestic goddess when it comes to washing, I will have your outfit you took off this morning returned to you clean and dry by lunchtime. I've always hated ironing but then I struggle with anything repetitive I don't enjoy, it makes no sense to keep doing something that makes you miserable!
I have stupidly high standards and always made sure the girls were bathed every night even though that took about 2 hours with the 4 of them when you factor in blow drying all that hair!
The house used to be immaculate, a fact my partner swears is untrue as since he has known me my life has been in so much disarray I have been unable to keep on top of the mess they make and gave in at the expense of my own sanity, a messy house definitely causes a messy mind for me and lets face it it's messed up enough already!
I like baking more than cooking and always enjoyed making cakes for my husband to take to work in his lunchbox. I feel a sense of achievement from looking after people and always thought that made me a good mum.
I never noticed the other part of parenting that I wasn't so good at......
I am totally useless at the emotional support side of parenting. I noticed this most with my 2nd daughter, she was hard work from birth and after having such an easy time with the first one I "logically" blamed my daughter for "being naughty and difficult". I even went to a councillor to seek advice on how to manage her.
It makes more sense to me now as I can see that a lot of my problem was my need to understand everything and here was a child I just did not understand. There was nothing about her that made sense. I asked relentlessly for help only to be told she was just lazy. She is now living with her boyfriend of only a month in a run down flat with little hope of any future.....
I still think she needs help, her dad and I have found many conditions she fits but have been told at 16 it's "too late" to help her?! but what is very clear to me now is that whatever I am lacking on the emotional support front has had a huge and devastating influence on my children's well beings.
I remember my eldest telling me a few years back in the midst of one of my meltdowns when I told her I didn't need anyone as they didn't seem to need me! that I did need her! She must have been 16 and while she's always been old for her years looking back it was an incredible insight for someone of her age.
She knew me so well and obviously recognised that I couldn't cope alone. As a child she took it upon herself to help me with the others, I often had to remind her I was the mum as she tried to take charge.
It makes me wonder how they really see me, do they think I'm odd or inadequate as a parent, my partner believes they do not feel I love them which makes me feel awful. I always felt unloved by my own mum and now I wonder if I've made them feel the same.
I have told them I love them many times but maybe my actions have spoken differently.
You would think these revelations would be beneficial to help me change but I know that I can't, not because some doctor told me autistic people can't change but because I know how my mind works and the most logical outcome will always win.
To me when my children disobey me they are not just being typical teenagers I feel they are doing it to hurt me and when they hurt me I feel I love them less. When my daughter chose to go and live with her dad I felt she had rejected me, he said you've tried your best and it didn't work so I'll have a go now. Even when she came back to me I couldn't forgive her for that. I know that I should love them unconditionally but I seem unable to do it.
It should be easier to understand Freya being very like her myself but it isn't, she confuses me as much as the others did. We must look like the most dysfunctional pair ever when we are out together. I don't know how to deal with her when she won't do what I ask and I get confused trying to work out what to say or do by which time I'm in a total I can't cope state myself.
I find every day life so difficult, just going to the shop, managing my money, trying to work out what I'm meant to say when people talk to me etc, when you add to that hormonal teenagers, a demanding baby and an autistic toddler toddler, I'm just so overloaded I can't cope with it all. It makes me feel pathetic, I thought parenting was the one thing I did well but I'm not doing it well, I'm failing and my children are paying the price for who I am.
I feel so alone and helpless, I am in constant torment in my head, am I really alone in this?

Freya's littlelife backpack review

I bought this for Freya a few months ago, she is always running into the road. I thought it was expensive but didn't want it to break if she darted off! She is very strong and we have had many wrestling matches with her in it and it's standing up to the test perfectly. She loves wearing it fortunately and is just big enough to fit her nappy and spare top and bottoms for nursery. We havent used the hood yet but think it's a great idea if you get caught in the rain.

I honestly wouldnt want to be without this and such a huge choice of designs :) I can honestly say I think it's saved her life :)

Here she is using it here and there

Disclaimer: All opinions expressed are my own, I was not asked to provide a review and did not receive anything for doing so.

Freya visits the eden project

I've wanted to visit the eden project for years but had no idea whether it was toddler friendly. I have to say I was really impressed with the provisions for little people. I don't know if they're on all year or if it was just for the holiday but it made for a fairly stress free day for us.
We headed off to the core where there was a huge wall of fridge doors covered in magnetic letters, this must have seemed gigantic to someone Freya's size. Her sister helped her find the letters for her name and she spent quite a while shifting the letters about before she decided it would be more fun to fling them!

Fortunately there was a large table set up just behind for the kids to make a bee hat to go off on an adventure round the park looking for things then come back and get there bread and honey reward!
Freya loves making stuff so I knew she'd enjoy making to hat, her sister helped again adding a rather impressive pipe cleaner bee!

I wasn't sure she'd do the other bits to get her reward and was quite surprised she wore the hat for the rest of the day.
We headed off to see the butterflies in the rainforest biome. She wasn't overly interested in much, she noticed the odd butterfly but they moved pretty fast. She was excited by the water with money in it though and insisted we produce several pennies for her to throw in.

It was quite refreshing and unexpected that there was a smoothie stand selling fresh drinks which were very nice :) We headed into the shop at the end where she had a good go with lots of noisy shakers which no one seemed to mind.
We queued up for lunch which was extortionately expensive and Freya only ate her cookie out of her kids box. It was a nice meal however even if a little thin on food!
We whisked round the med biome as Freya was getting fed up looking at plants...

We promised her an ice cream and I was pleasantly surprised at the choice and reasonable price. For some reason she decided she didn't want it after a few licks!!

She spent a long time parading through a puddle which revealed she had a hole in her boots so they had to come off again and much to her delight there was a little section to walk through with no shoes that contained a few different textured sections for your feet to try ending with a mud pool! Definatley one to do on the way out as there was only a muddy bucket of water to wash your feet in at the end and nothing to dry them!

We looked in the shop at the exit where after rolling a large ball under several people's feet I managed to direct her to the clothes section where she tried on a few hats?!

Here she is copying a scene from the curious george movie where he does peepo with the mans hat!
All in all it was a good day out made more affordable by my gardeners world two for one card! :)

Freya visits the seals!

Ok I admit it was me that wanted to see the seals but I was confident that Freya would enjoy watching them as she loves most animals and she loves water.
It was very busy as the octonauts were making an appearance and it was also the most expensive entry of anything we did in cornwall!

I put her bee reins on and we waited first to pay then for the bus down to the main site.
It turned out there weren't many enclosures and a talk was being given in one so we couldn't get anywhere near to show her the seal.
It had been raining the night before and Freya only seemed interested in splashing through the puddles!
I managed to direct her along to the underwater viewing for a little while and she did enjoy watching him for a short time.

We tried to go on to the penguins and rock pool but she saw a play area on the way and wouldn't stop screaming until she got to go in. Now I don't mind her playing but it's always so hard to get her to leave and we wanted to see the otters being fed. Still I told her she could have a few goes while we were giving Lucas his bottle.
It has it's pros and cons being oblivious, like most things I suppose. I got stressed because she didn't see why she had to wait in line to come down the slide although she did listen to me even if she looked at me like what for? She on the other hand didn't notice some girl pulling at her backpack to stop her going across the rope bridge!

After much screaming and dropping to the floor like a rag doll we got her moving to the otters. I tried to distract her on the way by pointing out a swan on the lake, in a perfect example of how her chain of thought goes she saw swan on water thought swan boat on water and before I knew it she was back at Woburn in her head not being allowed to go on the swan boat! i can see how she makes the connections cause I think in the same black and white totally logical way but for someone so small it's weird and surprising how fast she thinks.
This lead to the wailing starting again, the play area had been a boat too so she now had 2 boats in her head she wasn't allowed on. The shoes got flung off she dropped to the floor writhing in the bark much to the horror of other families walking to the otter feeding. I picked her up and carried her kicking and yelling so the rest of us could watch the otters being fed.
I tried to sit her on the wall to put her shoes back on as she wanted to run off barefoot across the bark, she wasn't having any of it. Despite wearing my autism top which reads "autism, it's not a processing error, it's a different operating system" the lady's eyebrows next to me couldn't get any higher in her head. After several minutes I asked my partner to have a go. He's much softer and patient than me and eventually he persuaded her to put the shoes back on.
Meanwhile the disapproving woman had fetched her grandson who looked just over a year old and was parading him back and forth in front of us saying loudly "you're such a well behaved boy aren't you darling, would you like a big ice cream?"
As code words go in our house "big ice cream" is the biggest of them all like "code red"  in a good action movie. It's how we got her to go into nursery without screaming, how we get her to wait for nursery days and get into bed the night before nursery. She tells us "go sleep, wake up, go nursery, come home, have big ice cream" and as soon as she comes home from nursery she goes straight to the freezer to get her ice cream.
Therefore hearing her code words just upset and confused her, she wasn't home or at nursery but she would still like a big ice cream and this other kid was getting one and she decided to repeat "big ice cream big ice cream" all the way back to the shop that sold ice cream!
We got an ice cream and with a pounding head I decided to go and wait for the bus to go back to the car park, when it arrived loads of people pushed on and left us standing unable to get on the bus.
To top it off a lady in her forties said loudly to her child while pointing at my top "look that lady's got something wrong with her brain!"

Freya stays in a hobbit hut!

I had seen our campsite the previous year and being a huge tolkien fan thought it would be great fun to stay in one of their hobbit huts for our holiday :)
Here we are outside our little holiday house

It was a little smaller than I'd thought and the single fold out beds turned out to be a 3 part bean bag. I thought the double futon looked fine though and it was warm and cosy with good range of pots and crockery etc

We had our own covered little cooking area with 2 stoves, despite having camped many times I'd never seen a stove like this and couldn't get it lit to make lucas's bottle! After venturing down to the main house I began to think perhaps this wasn't such a great place for my partner as it was steep and narrow, there were steps and paths to the hobbit house and he'd had enough trouble with those :/
Anyway the owners were very friendly and helpful and came straight up to show me how to get the stove going.
After settling in we headed back off to find another beach for a few hours, Freya enjoyed running through the pools of water but had no interest in looking for life in the rock pools much to my partners disappointment!
Back and forth she went through the big puddles of water soaking herself and loving every minute! :)

Freya goes to cornwall on holiday

I was apprehensive about taking Freya on holiday as I find days out with her so hard and it's effectively days out every day. I decided to buy myself a few autism awareness t-shirts as I find it less stressful when we're out if people can see why we are struggling with her.
We used to live by the coast and Freya always loved the beacyuh so I knew she would enjoy being by the sea again and still being ice cream obsessed I knew there would be plenty of ice creams to bargain with her for.
As it's a 6 hour drive from where we live we bought her a portable dvd player to watch her best loved dvds on the journey.
We were lucky and she slept a lot of the way and watched dvds for the rest of the time. We arrived ear so headed to the first beach we could find to grab a bite to eat.
We ended up in Charlestown, there were no disabled parking spaces to be found and it was very windy.
There was a huge number of places to eat considering it was a tiny place but having a tight budget meant we opted for a take away pastie each and of course freya insisted on an ice cream.

We had a quick look at the beach but it was pebbly and the wind was howling, we tried to cross the water to look what was on the other side but taking an unpredictable toddler over a small metal bridge with an 8 foot drop into the water either side with the wind blowing a gale was too much stress for me!

The tall ships were in the harbour which turned out to be the highlight of the visit.

As the toilets were a long walk round the other side or over the bridge and up some stairs we decided to head for the campsite to use the toilets there.