I've just sat and read "Autism, a practical guide for parents" by Alan Yau
Within the first chapter I found I was just reading about my own behaviour and found it impossible to separate myself from that in order to take on some advice to help my daughter.
I struggled through to the end of chapter 5 by which time my head was throbbing.
There are a few things that have stuck in my mind from our first visit to the doctor at the child development unit, the rest is still lost in the shock of the diagnosis. She said "I see a lot of positives in her, she does give eye contact, she is verbal with good understanding of a large range of basic words", and finally "these children cannot change so we have to change"
Since realising it is likely I am also autistic I have asked my partner several times how I can change if I also can't change?
It was the same reading this book, try to show your child that life has many shades of grey and get them to rate their experiences on a scale of 1 to 5...... if I had a pound for every partner who has screamed at me "life isn't black and white" I'd be a billionaire. So I can't do that one, as far as I'm concerned it is black or white, right or wrong, I have tried over and over to try to think how it can be anything else but I don't see how it can, surely it's just one or the other? that's logical, that makes sense and therefore in my head if it's logical it's right.
My partner says I'm like Dr Spock from star trek, he tries to tell me examples when Spock had to accept that something worked when logic didn't. Every time he says it all I can think is Spock didn't understand emotions, he was just cold. It confuses me as I recognise that I have a lack of understanding of other people's emotions but I am a very sensitive emotional person and the 2 things seem to contradict each other.
I am going to get him to read the book as I think it will help him understand me a bit better! One bit that struck a cord was something we discussed just this morning. He was lecturing me on how I make my life more difficult and complicated than it needs to be by the way I go about things, thus making myself more stressed. He said I often do a thing a certain way and he points out a "better, easier" way to do it which I ignore and then after much going round the houses end up doing it the way he suggested!
What I heard was that he is always right, I'm always wrong and I cause my own stress so only have myself to blame!
The book stated that a child with autism often thinks the first way they do something is THE right way to do it and if you want them to do it differently but don't correct them the first time you will likely be unable to correct them later as they think they're doing it right!
While the book has further convinced me I have autism it was not much use to me for helping my daughter.
I have actually begun to wonder whether I can parent any of them, I've always been very good at the basic things, I am a domestic goddess when it comes to washing, I will have your outfit you took off this morning returned to you clean and dry by lunchtime. I've always hated ironing but then I struggle with anything repetitive I don't enjoy, it makes no sense to keep doing something that makes you miserable!
I have stupidly high standards and always made sure the girls were bathed every night even though that took about 2 hours with the 4 of them when you factor in blow drying all that hair!
The house used to be immaculate, a fact my partner swears is untrue as since he has known me my life has been in so much disarray I have been unable to keep on top of the mess they make and gave in at the expense of my own sanity, a messy house definitely causes a messy mind for me and lets face it it's messed up enough already!
I like baking more than cooking and always enjoyed making cakes for my husband to take to work in his lunchbox. I feel a sense of achievement from looking after people and always thought that made me a good mum.
I never noticed the other part of parenting that I wasn't so good at......
I am totally useless at the emotional support side of parenting. I noticed this most with my 2nd daughter, she was hard work from birth and after having such an easy time with the first one I "logically" blamed my daughter for "being naughty and difficult". I even went to a councillor to seek advice on how to manage her.
It makes more sense to me now as I can see that a lot of my problem was my need to understand everything and here was a child I just did not understand. There was nothing about her that made sense. I asked relentlessly for help only to be told she was just lazy. She is now living with her boyfriend of only a month in a run down flat with little hope of any future.....
I still think she needs help, her dad and I have found many conditions she fits but have been told at 16 it's "too late" to help her?! but what is very clear to me now is that whatever I am lacking on the emotional support front has had a huge and devastating influence on my children's well beings.
I remember my eldest telling me a few years back in the midst of one of my meltdowns when I told her I didn't need anyone as they didn't seem to need me! that I did need her! She must have been 16 and while she's always been old for her years looking back it was an incredible insight for someone of her age.
She knew me so well and obviously recognised that I couldn't cope alone. As a child she took it upon herself to help me with the others, I often had to remind her I was the mum as she tried to take charge.
It makes me wonder how they really see me, do they think I'm odd or inadequate as a parent, my partner believes they do not feel I love them which makes me feel awful. I always felt unloved by my own mum and now I wonder if I've made them feel the same.
I have told them I love them many times but maybe my actions have spoken differently.
You would think these revelations would be beneficial to help me change but I know that I can't, not because some doctor told me autistic people can't change but because I know how my mind works and the most logical outcome will always win.
To me when my children disobey me they are not just being typical teenagers I feel they are doing it to hurt me and when they hurt me I feel I love them less. When my daughter chose to go and live with her dad I felt she had rejected me, he said you've tried your best and it didn't work so I'll have a go now. Even when she came back to me I couldn't forgive her for that. I know that I should love them unconditionally but I seem unable to do it.
It should be easier to understand Freya being very like her myself but it isn't, she confuses me as much as the others did. We must look like the most dysfunctional pair ever when we are out together. I don't know how to deal with her when she won't do what I ask and I get confused trying to work out what to say or do by which time I'm in a total I can't cope state myself.
I find every day life so difficult, just going to the shop, managing my money, trying to work out what I'm meant to say when people talk to me etc, when you add to that hormonal teenagers, a demanding baby and an autistic toddler toddler, I'm just so overloaded I can't cope with it all. It makes me feel pathetic, I thought parenting was the one thing I did well but I'm not doing it well, I'm failing and my children are paying the price for who I am.
I feel so alone and helpless, I am in constant torment in my head, am I really alone in this?
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