I have done a lot of thinking in the last 2 days, not that that's anything new
My husband says I need to write my thoughts down so that when the man from the clinic comes to visit me I will remember what to ask.
Despite spending 2 hours talking I keep thinking of all the things I didn't mention, I don't know what difference I think it would have made.
I spent so long thinking how I would feel if they said I didn't have ASD and whether I'd then just be labelled psychotic and have my kids taken away that I didn't spend much time thinking how I'd feel if I did have it.
I thought I'd feel relieved as at last I'd have an answer to my problems over the years, and I do feel relieved but it's also opened up more questions and I find myself going over certain things that have happened to me and how I was dealt with as a non autistic person and how that affected me.
It's not so much that I want to make a list of times I feel I was treated unfairly but more that now I can see why things affected me the way they did. All of it just helps me understand myself better.
Since being a teenager I have felt that I didn't fit in, I found it hard to talk to people and when I did I usually got a negative response. Over the years I came to the assumption that it was my fault that people didn't seem to like me and I have punished myself mentally and physically for that many times. Despite feeling that way I was never able to actually say I think it's my fault as I genuinely thought other people were at fault for not being able to understand what I was trying to tell them.
It's only when I get so wound up I go into melt down that then I can see it's me, I can't make myself understood and that annoys people and in turn hurts and frustrates the hell out of me.
I keep saying I don't want or need any friends and I want to live in a house in the middle of a field somewhere remote where I don't have to interact with other human beings but my husband says I don't want that really. I find it very annoying when he tells me what I want or don't want but I will agree that on the whole I'm not an unsociable person, I'm happy to chat to most people but negative experiences have led me feel I'm better off just avoiding social interactions as I just mess them up and either end up upset and confused myself or upset someone else.
I suppose in a nut shell I feel I'm a burden to others and I over compensate for this by not asking for help when I need it, refusing to leave the children with my husband for an hour and take a break.
I do feel a bit sorry for myself, I feel let down by the people who should have noticed my difficulties and supported me and I can't help but think how much easier and happier my life could have been.
The doctor said I have adapted very well and I could easily fool even a professional into thinking I didn't have Aspergers. He said if he'd met me in the hall he wouldn't have picked it up as I come across as intelligent and I smile in the right places etc
I think he was trying to say you seem normal until you open your mouth :)
It was hard to remember how I behaved at any early age, I really don't recall much that far back.
I don't remember struggling at school until I got older and even then I put it down to bad explanations by teachers that I didn't know what they were asking of me and ultimately I got good grades. I was always aware that I would have got better grades though had the teacher had time to re explain to me on a 1-1 basis but at that age you don't want to be the only one putting your hand up saying I don't get it so I made do with bundling along in the subjects I found more challenging.
I had one teacher Mr. Loaf at my girls school who always took the time to come over and say "do you understand? and I'd tell him what I thought he wanted me to do and he'd say yes or no or re explain. He was wonderful and while I was taught by him my grades rocketed to third highest in the class and I regularly got full marks and A grades. We had to move away and after 4 years in a mixed school with kids who didn't want to learn and teachers that didn't have time to help I struggled to get my eventual C grade at GCSE.
It seems weird to me now that I did art because there's no logic in it, maybe I felt as there was no right or wrong I couldn't fail at it but again I got a grade I didn't feel I deserved, much of that was no doubt due to my taking everything literally which made it harder to think outside the box. I was still worried I was "doing it wrong". Most of my work was about myself which makes sense now as it seems most autistic people are only focused on themselves and what they want to do. I wonder if I'd have got a better grade if they'd have known I had Aspergers then and could have realised what a struggle it all was for me.
My biggest headache at the moment though is feeling that I shouldn't have had kids, yes I'm great at providing for their basic needs but I'm just useless at helping and supporting them emotionally, I don't know what they're thinking or feeling and honestly it's hard enough to process my own feelings and thoughts without taking on other peoples as well. I didn't know that I couldn't do that until the girls got older and were in school and I thought if I had more support, less stress that would change but it hasn't and now I know it won't.
I can't find anything on the web about advice for autistic parents and definately not how to manage your autistic child if you have ASD yourself :(
My head hurts..............
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