Tummy Tuck!

Those that have read my post on diastasis recti will know how we've come to this point, if not then I have basically got a massive belly left on my otherwise slim frame which leads to me being asked if I'm pregnant on a fairly frequent basis. I have come to hate what I see in the mirror, nothing I wear can hide it and I avoid leaving the house unless necessary so I don't have to suffer the embarrassment and questions of looking like I do.
My youngest child is 5 at Christmas, I've tried all the advice to lose my belly but even the programmes specifically designed for diastasis recti have not helped either close the gap or the appearance of my tummy.
So when I decided to breed our ragdoll cat I decided there and then that I would use the money for a tummy tuck. Unfortunately she'd need to have 3 litters before I could have it done in the uk so I made the decision to look at having it done abroad.
The first company I contacted told me they only accepted cash?! They then refused to do it when they learned I have autism? The reasoning was that some people with ASD are anatomically different from normal people and the surgeon was worried about how safe it would be to intubate me?! I think this was nonsense I have had plenty of operations and no one has ever suggested such a thing to me before. I think it's more likely that when I listed my medication which includes risperidone they just decided I must be a psycho and didn't want to know. I think it may have been a blessing in disguise really.
I then found another company that seemed a bit more legitimate, they have been used by the tv for makeover programmes and I could find a few genuine reviews from people from the uk who'd used them so I booked my surgery date for 25th October 2017!
I managed to convince my sister to come with me as obviously my husband will need to look after the children and I should be really excited about it.
Instead I find I am absolutely terrified, I am genuinely terrified I'm going to die. I have read all the stories of women who went into cardiac arrest during the operation or died of blood clots or infection a week or so after the operation. I have also googled the thousands of operations that go smoothly but this is giving me little comfort.
Why would I think I would die you might wonder? Well I feel like I'm a fairly unlucky person, if something bad is going to happen it's probably going to happen to me. I have an inability to imagine myself growing old or seeing my youngest 2 grown up so therefore I convince myself it must be because it isn't going to happen. With all the recent terrorist attacks I've become terrified to go anywhere because I can visualise being caught up in an attack and dying. I also have had varicose veins removed from my legs twice and have a large lump behind one knee so I feel I'm a good case for a blood clot. I've had a fair amount of surgery and wonder if this will just be pushing my luck too far?
There's also the overwhelming guilt, what would life be like for my little 2 if I didn't come home? Freya would have no parents, my husband would really struggle to look after them both on his own, would he give her up? And all this because I despise my body?
I have had to come off my medication because they can react with anaesthetic which no doubt isn't helping my mood but I don't know how to get through the next few weeks without being either depressed or in a total panic. Everyone I speak to about it thinks I am being totally ridiculous.
I have told mike where the Halloween and Christmas stuff is and am considering writing the kids letters in case I don't come home.
I've considered cancelling the operation but the thought of spending the rest of my life looking like I'm 7 months pregnant is as bad as the thought of dying.
Just to add to my stress Ryanair have decided to cancel loads of flights after I'd just booked with them so I'm hoping mine won't get cancelled too nearer the time as you can't take out any travel insurance when you're going abroad for surgery!
I am hoping to do some videos of my journey to help anyone else who may be considering this surgery or clinic as there isn't much out there at the moment. Wish me luck!