123 magic scepticism

We have been recommended to go on the next 123 magic parenting course, for those who like me have never heard of it, it's a course on how to effectively discipline 2-12 year olds.
Apparently it's magnificent and will transform my daughter into a parent abiding toddler......
Or maybe the idea is to show us how to control our child as clearly we haven't been doing a good job??
It seems both pointless to me and somewhat insulting, if I was a first time mum I may feel less insulted, or if it was a course on how to handle your autistic child it may seem more helpful.
Having 6 kids has taught me one certainty, no one rule works for all kids, sometimes all the ideas don't work for one kid.
I may know fairly little about autism but I do know my child and she doesn't respond in the same way as other kids, you can't expect her to "fall in line" to help us discipline her.
Yes she needs reeling in, she's unpredictable and somewhat out of control at times but do they really think we haven't already tried? I'm already fed up of people coming into my house and effectively saying "there look she did what I asked while I was here what's your problem?"
All these experts are always ranting on about reinforcement, believe me I repeat the same requests every single day, "no ice cream for breakfast", "please sit down while you're eating", "no dummy during the day" etc
Does it make any difference to Freya?? Nooooooo
She can easily out-scream me, out-argue me and move a lot faster than I can to get what she wants.
By the time you've heard "need my dummy,need my dummy" fifty times without stopping to draw breath at full volume, you actually want her to have the damn thing!
I have never met a child whose scream is so piercing and it's relentless. The point of it is to get what she wants and she won't stop until she's got it.
I don't care anymore if she will do what nursery ask or someone who comes to play, I don't care if they think I'm stupid or useless for not being able to distract her onto something else to avoid a tantrum. The fact is she is full on hard work at home and it's not because I am lacking in parenting skills, it's because she can be, she can let loose, she gets bored at home and ignored as I sort out Lucas or try to get things done.
All that I'm expecting from 123 magic is to become extremely frustrated myself as someone tries to tell me these methods will work for my child. Added to the stress of finding childcare for Lucas, re-arranging Freya's nursery days so we can attend and then finding time to do homework!!
I'd even forgotten that I'd have to interact with other parents and listen to their opinions about discipline, (not one of my strong points) it's likely that I will end up offending someone if not everyone as I just can't listen to people spouting on about how we should all do things the same way, it's like a parenting cult!
I wish I'd just said I didn't want to go but I always feel I don't have a choice, like just saying thanks but I don't feel it will help makes me a bad parent. What do I think is going to happen then? That they will whisk her off to another family? Some days I wish someone would just for a day!
Perhaps I will be pleasantly surprised and some of the suggestions will help us with Freya but for now I'm not looking forward to the experience one bit!

Current issues

Knowing we have another meeting around Freya's 3rd birthday I have been trying to make mental notes of her current behaviour issues.
I have a great memory for useless things like postcodes and phone numbers but when put on the spot I usually have a brain melt down and end up rambling irrelevant rubbish so I thought I'd try and note stuff down in my blogs and then I can refer back to it.
In the last week I have noticed every time there's a loud noise ie; lorries passing, she has started covering her ears, if she is holding my hand at the time she tends to disappear behind my back away from the noise source and use one arm to try to cover both ears! I haven't seen her do this since she was about 12-18 months when I took her to singing at the library, I used to just think it looked rude that she refused to join in and stood with her hands over her ears whenever the singing started, inevitably I stopped taking her.
I noticed a few weeks ago that she was shutting her eyes when we were walking, she also did it on the second floor of a soft play area much to my horror. I have tried to catch her doing it (not always easy when pushing a buggy as well as looking where you're going) and notice what seems to prompt it. As would seem logical she is doing it when she doesn't want to see something or maybe doesn't want them to see her, for example when we walked past the bus stop and there were about 4 old people who were all smiling at her and looking in the buggy at Lucas.
As I've become more aware of my own reactions to feeling uncomfortable in situations I'm finding it easier to notice how she reacts, it's interesting that it's often at similar things though obviously I don't cover my ears or close my eyes!
It sounds silly but we are so used to her we often don't see somethings she does as unusual.
Shopping has always been a problem with Freya but now she's bigger it seems to me that she genuinely finds the whole process totally confusing. She found a lovely basket of pretend food in mothercare earlier and when we tried to leave without it we had half an hour of full out screaming and genuine sobbing. She kept saying "need my food, need my food" I tried to say it wasn't hers, we would go and get real food but she wasn't having any of it desperately pleading "please please have my food"
I don't want her to think she can have whatever she wants and sees but at the same time she never asks for just anything or everything, she's very specific about what she wants. Sometimes I think it would be worth paying for the items just to avoid the tantrum but I'm worried that will send the wrong message.
The more I study these events though the more I think she's not having a tantrum because she can't have something or do something she's having the tantrum because she doesn't understand why she can't have the basket of food or jump in the huge puddle which will make her wet and cold. I have tried all different angles to explain why and sometimes she gets it and sometimes not. I think she just sees shops as a huge place full of stuff for you to take what you want, and isn't that what they are?? The problem is trying to explain one we have to pay for the stuff or the policeman will come and be cross with us (she'd probably like a policeman to come!) and two that I don't want or can't afford half the stuff she'd like to take home.
We went from the pretend food incident to tesco where she found herself an umbrella and refused to give it up, she dutifully put it on the belt at the till and I had to concede she'd listened to me saying we had to pay for stuff before taking it! I just can't argue with her logic as I think so logically myself :/
I think we have both relaxed a lot about events when we're out, I was a real stickler for doing things right with my others who would never have got a pudding without finishing their dinner while Freya insisted on opening all of the food in her lunch bag and eating the sweets first.
Maybe it's because she eats all day so I knew eventually she would eat the sandwich, which she did, and I've stopped caring when people stare as she gets red sauce to go in her sandwiches.
I was very proud of myself for avoiding another screaming fit on the way out. My husband had told her to sit on the bench while I paid at the till but as she went to sit down I was done so he said "come on then back to the car" I tried to pick her up as she had thrown her shoes off earlier trying on ladies stilettos but she was just starting to scream and kick. I would usually have just carried her to the car yelling but instead I carried her to the bench and sat her down, she looked in her bag and listed the contents. I spoke to her very calmly and said "now can we go to the car", "yes she said, to the car", I continued "can I carry you because you've got no shoes on?" to which she stood up and wrapped her arms round my neck and legs round my waist with a big smile!
I could sense my husband was less than impressed but it had taken a second and was, in the end, quicker and less stressful than if I'd have insisted we went to the car the first time. As he put Lucas in the car he was still muttering "why does she have to make such a big deal of everything? it does my head in" I didn't say so but I was thinking, you have no idea how much it does her head in!
This week Freya has also learnt how to undo the freezer lock which is proving a nightmare to try and control her ice cream obsession, I will end up having to stock the freezer like it's summer all winter at this rate. Even with the ice creams she has to choose it, you may occasionally be able to help unwrap it but she must remove it from the packet or she just won't eat it, it will get flung on the floor and she will get another one!
The throwing has definitely become more of an issue lately, she has enjoyed flinging things for a while but now it's happening several times a day and can't be stopped until everything has been disposed of from the chosen shelf or cupboard. I guess because she's bigger and stronger now (and a better aim) I find it more worrying. She generally isn't throwing things at us, though she has started to enjoy hitting me and whacking me with things, it's normally just a flying exercise which I can't understand the purpose or fun of :/
My wardrobe is the latest victim of daily fun as she flings all the clothes out so she can swing on the rail!
I have emptied her room of everything but the bed and cot,  a few favourite soft toys and her bob the builder work bench. It seems to have stayed fairly tidy since then though I still sometimes find all the pictures have been pulled down. She found her waybaloo lamp in the clear out and is now insisting on having it on all day under the bed so it gives a nice glow all the way round her bed.
For some unknown reason she has decided that she would like to crawl to and from town now and then, this does push my buttons, it takes ages, naturally people can't help but stare at a crawling 3 year old on reins and she can't be talked out of the idea or pulled to a standing position :(
We have been waiting about 6 months now for an appointment from the speech therapist, I can usually make out what she's saying and somethings are very clear. She has good knowledge of words and tries to talk in sentences but it's still disjointed, more like mummy.....have.....ice cream than mummy have ice cream and her language is still pretty simplistic. She has become a lot louder in the last month or so :/
Yesterday presented a new problem for her red sauce obsession as she decided it would be fun to start flicking it around and painting it onto my pouffe with a brush. If that continues she won't be able to have red sauce and that will cause merry havoc at mealtimes as she still "needs" it with every meal even if it's a roast.
Legs seem to be the flavour of the week for rubbing food into, ice cream works especially well it seems.
That said some lady coming out of Morrison's yesterday took one look at her and loudly commented to her other half that she couldn't believe people took their kids out with shit all down them! I wanted to say it's hard enough to get this child dressed once a day and get her to keep her clothes on and if I changed her every time she dribbled something down herself I'd need a room full of clothes, but I didn't!
That reminds me that the dribbling is still an issue, when she's excited or crying and sometimes just at random.
We continue to have to watch umi zoomi for the majority of the day, I try not to mind as it is educational and I can see how she enjoys the numbers, shapes and patterns but I can also see that she hasn't so much learnt maths but rather remembered the answers from nearly every episode!
Potty training continues to evade her and she will fight you rather than agree to get the pooh cleaned up :(
All this said there have of course been some positive happy moments in the last week, she seems to have grasped that "i love you too" is the appropriate response to me saying "i love you" and is getting better at coming for cuddles, on her terms still of course.
I caught her chatting away to Lucas this morning when they woke up and she kept going back in when he grizzled when she left the room. She still hates him touching her or anything whether it's hers or his, but she comes and tells me now "oocus not very happy" when he's crying :)
As always, her general over excitement and happiness at the seemingly smallest things always makes me smile.

Freya as the dragon bridesmaid!

After many false alarms and bouts of cold feet I finally got married on Saturday, we had a handfasting ceremony in the garden and apart from the sudden cold spell we had a generally good day for it.
I was worried that Freya might find it all a bit too much having lots of people in the house and other children using her sandpit and slide etc but I was pleasantly suprised.
She seemed quite happy with all the attention she received (probably helped by a constant flow of food) I didn't@ see it but I have photographic evidence of her interacting with my neice's daughter!

We had originally agreed on a medeival theme so I'd bought Freya and Lucas dragon outfits to wear. It all ended up being re-arranged last minute so no one else was dressed up but as it had turned a bit chilly I let them wear their outfits. Freya has been enjoying hers for a few months now as can be seen in some of my other photos but I couldn't see a reason to use Lucas's again!

They were beautiful, very well made and Lucas's even had poppers at the bottom to change him, they found the head bits a tad annoying but all in all worth the cost especially if you have a child like Freya who trails everything about and generally abuses it! :p
Anyway, I was very impressed with her behaviour for the day with only one outburst over changing a well dried in dirty nappy :/
I hope it showed our guests that autistic children aren't just unreasonable, tantrumming, unsociable people, she had as much fun as anyone else (probably more) :)

Toy/Product testing

My niece has been lucky enough to have been asked to review products by companies who have read her blogs and is often posting photos of her 2 happily testing out the latest toys.
I have so far been unable to work out how to successfully launch myself into the right circles to be asked to test anything out but it has got me thinking.

I would say I'm fairly opinionated and usually too honest so I think I'd be ideal, I already tell people how great things are that I feel have helped me and also am never shy to voice my niggles over things that don't work! Maybe I should just post some reviews of things we've bought??

Maybe it's the artist/designer in me but I come across so many things that I just think are awful, it makes me wonder if any thought went into their design at all.
For example, how many times have you been in a public toilet and been smacked in the back by a door because some bright spark decided it would be a good idea to put the hand driers behind the door??!!

Also having worked in sales for some years I am generally astounded by the lack of customer service you see these days, we stayed at a spa for our honeymoon and while we couldn't fault the staff and food and facilities, I twice received no response to emails I sent asking for accessibility information and asking for a call back to book?! It makes me wonder if these companies are making so much money they can afford to throw business away?!

Anyway, rant over, should anyone know of any companies looking for reviewers we would be more than happy to help :)

I was thinking earlier as I was watching her she would make a great test subject for durability of kids toys! It may be child proof but is it Freya proof??!!

It's getting harder as she gets bigger to find stuff she can play with as it all gets a bit fiddly and flimsy as they get to 3 as it's assumed they will play nicely by now!

I'm mainly buying bubbles at the moment, at least one huge tube a week which she runs around with flicking like mad so no bubbles come out and inevitably ends up tipping it out on the floor in an effort to work out why it's not working :/

Autism v "normal" I think I prefer the autism!!

It never ceases to amaze me how childish some "grown ups" can be, I have just received an email from a member of my partners family telling me they can no longer attend our party, (that would be our wedding she's refering to) as we didn't attend her party, (family gathering) on saturday. She didn't say that last bit but it seems a pretty huge coincidence after telling us we were expected to go.
As she's making the cake we now have to do a 5 hour round trip the day before the wedding to collect it.
Now don't get me wrong I'm very grateful that she has been kind enough to offer to do the cake for us as a wedding gift but we do not have time to go and get it. The marquee is being delivered on the day before the wedding and I have to decorate it and arrange all the last minute things that can't be done until the day before. 
If my partner is out for 5 or 6 hours I can't get that done with a baby and demanding toddler round my ankles!

Autistic people often have trouble maintaining friendships due to their difficulties understanding the unsaid social rules, they find it difficult to empathise with others and confuse peoples intentions..... 
so how come I know that if you are always doing the running around for your "friend" travelling to see them at a time convenient to them yet they can't do the same for you, surely that's not a real friend? I can appreciate that people have their owns lives and while it upsets me I understand they can't always be there for me, and I am quite capable of reading beween the lines or identifying an outright lie. 
Maybe I'm not autistic or maybe I should go back to my original thought that it's not me that's the problem it's everybody else!!!

And this is why I don't like people doing things for me because it's never done out of the goodness of their heart, it's always with a condition or you end up owing them, generally it's not free as you will "pay" for it in one way or another! This is why I have very few friends and it's further cemented my opinion that I'm better off without them.

If you mean so little to someone that they can't ever put themselves out for you you're better off without them in your life I say and that includes family unfortunately. 

It's hard enough trying to work out what "normal" people are thinking, doing, trying to say etc and then to work out what the hell I'm meant to think, do or say in response but at least with me you not I'm not lying, being two faced or playing games. It's really no wonder there's such a huge void between us, I think "normal" people could learn a lot about communicating from autistic people!!

first hair cut

Freya went for her first hair cut the other day, I took her when her sister was going too as I thought she was more likely to sit still!
She really doesn't like anyone touching her hair so I was expecting to leave without it getting cut.
She sat up on the stool with no bother in the dog robe and enjoyed looking at herself in the mirror, I'd forgotten there would be a mirror and she does love looking at herself!
Anyway she did wiggle and turn to look at her sister but after ten mins it was trimmed nicely and I then just had to entertain her until her sister was done!

Are there any other autistic parents out there??

I've just sat and read "Autism, a practical guide for parents" by Alan Yau
Within the first chapter I found I was just reading about my own behaviour and found it impossible to separate myself from that in order to take on some advice to help my daughter.
I struggled through to the end of chapter 5 by which time my head was throbbing.
There are a few things that have stuck in my mind from our first visit to the doctor at the child development unit, the rest is still lost in the shock of the diagnosis. She said "I see a lot of positives in her, she does give eye contact, she is verbal with good understanding of a large range of basic words", and finally "these children cannot change so we have to change"
Since realising it is likely I am also autistic I have asked my partner several times how I can change if I also can't change?
It was the same reading this book, try to show your child that life has many shades of grey and get them to rate their experiences on a scale of 1 to 5...... if I had a pound for every partner who has screamed at me "life isn't black and white" I'd be a billionaire. So I can't do that one, as far as I'm concerned it is black or white, right or wrong, I have tried over and over to try to think how it can be anything else but I don't see how it can, surely it's just one or the other? that's logical, that makes sense and therefore in my head if it's logical it's right.
My partner says I'm like Dr Spock from star trek, he tries to tell me examples when Spock had to accept that something worked when logic didn't. Every time he says it all I can think is Spock didn't understand emotions, he was just cold. It confuses me as I recognise that I have a lack of understanding of other people's emotions but I am a very sensitive emotional person and the 2 things seem to contradict each other.
I am going to get him to read the book as I think it will help him understand me a bit better! One bit that struck a cord was something we discussed just this morning. He was lecturing me on how I make my life more difficult and complicated than it needs to be by the way I go about things, thus making myself more stressed. He said I often do a thing a certain way and he points out a "better, easier" way to do it which I ignore and then after much going round the houses end up doing it the way he suggested!
What I heard was that he is always right, I'm always wrong and I cause my own stress so only have myself to blame!
The book stated that a child with autism often thinks the first way they do something is THE right way to do it and if you want them to do it differently but don't correct them the first time you will likely be unable to correct them later as they think they're doing it right!
While the book has further convinced me I have autism it was not much use to me for helping my daughter.
I have actually begun to wonder whether I can parent any of them, I've always been very good at the basic things, I am a domestic goddess when it comes to washing, I will have your outfit you took off this morning returned to you clean and dry by lunchtime. I've always hated ironing but then I struggle with anything repetitive I don't enjoy, it makes no sense to keep doing something that makes you miserable!
I have stupidly high standards and always made sure the girls were bathed every night even though that took about 2 hours with the 4 of them when you factor in blow drying all that hair!
The house used to be immaculate, a fact my partner swears is untrue as since he has known me my life has been in so much disarray I have been unable to keep on top of the mess they make and gave in at the expense of my own sanity, a messy house definitely causes a messy mind for me and lets face it it's messed up enough already!
I like baking more than cooking and always enjoyed making cakes for my husband to take to work in his lunchbox. I feel a sense of achievement from looking after people and always thought that made me a good mum.
I never noticed the other part of parenting that I wasn't so good at......
I am totally useless at the emotional support side of parenting. I noticed this most with my 2nd daughter, she was hard work from birth and after having such an easy time with the first one I "logically" blamed my daughter for "being naughty and difficult". I even went to a councillor to seek advice on how to manage her.
It makes more sense to me now as I can see that a lot of my problem was my need to understand everything and here was a child I just did not understand. There was nothing about her that made sense. I asked relentlessly for help only to be told she was just lazy. She is now living with her boyfriend of only a month in a run down flat with little hope of any future.....
I still think she needs help, her dad and I have found many conditions she fits but have been told at 16 it's "too late" to help her?! but what is very clear to me now is that whatever I am lacking on the emotional support front has had a huge and devastating influence on my children's well beings.
I remember my eldest telling me a few years back in the midst of one of my meltdowns when I told her I didn't need anyone as they didn't seem to need me! that I did need her! She must have been 16 and while she's always been old for her years looking back it was an incredible insight for someone of her age.
She knew me so well and obviously recognised that I couldn't cope alone. As a child she took it upon herself to help me with the others, I often had to remind her I was the mum as she tried to take charge.
It makes me wonder how they really see me, do they think I'm odd or inadequate as a parent, my partner believes they do not feel I love them which makes me feel awful. I always felt unloved by my own mum and now I wonder if I've made them feel the same.
I have told them I love them many times but maybe my actions have spoken differently.
You would think these revelations would be beneficial to help me change but I know that I can't, not because some doctor told me autistic people can't change but because I know how my mind works and the most logical outcome will always win.
To me when my children disobey me they are not just being typical teenagers I feel they are doing it to hurt me and when they hurt me I feel I love them less. When my daughter chose to go and live with her dad I felt she had rejected me, he said you've tried your best and it didn't work so I'll have a go now. Even when she came back to me I couldn't forgive her for that. I know that I should love them unconditionally but I seem unable to do it.
It should be easier to understand Freya being very like her myself but it isn't, she confuses me as much as the others did. We must look like the most dysfunctional pair ever when we are out together. I don't know how to deal with her when she won't do what I ask and I get confused trying to work out what to say or do by which time I'm in a total I can't cope state myself.
I find every day life so difficult, just going to the shop, managing my money, trying to work out what I'm meant to say when people talk to me etc, when you add to that hormonal teenagers, a demanding baby and an autistic toddler toddler, I'm just so overloaded I can't cope with it all. It makes me feel pathetic, I thought parenting was the one thing I did well but I'm not doing it well, I'm failing and my children are paying the price for who I am.
I feel so alone and helpless, I am in constant torment in my head, am I really alone in this?